Scorpio.
Every sign rules a part of the body, and for Scorpios, it’s the genitals. You get double the pleasure from sex, but also double the pain from pesky things like venereal diseases. The heavens point to an abundance of sexual activity in the coming month, so now is the time to pay attention to the lady (or boys) down there. Make sure you’re clean and coiffed. Wear clothes with triangles or well-placed holes that draw the eye to your crotch. People want you—get the number of a clinic and go spread the legs, um, I mean the word.
Many people say they were raised by wolves, but Natalie Josef really was. That’s why still, to this day, she doesn’t shave her armpits. She’s also a double Capricorn with a Taurus rising, which is basically congruous with a back-to-back life prison sentence in Zodiacal hell. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance and Natalie will not be the first one. She’s happy thinking too much, fearing intimacy, and ruining good things. Because of federal anti-discrimination laws, she is employed as a copy editor at DivineCaroline where everyone goes to great lengths not to laugh at her too much.
The Visiting Visionary is a monthly column written by a different guest horoscopist each month. We’ll focus on a new topic every month so that our Visionary can foretell how it will affect each sign.
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