Capricorn
It’s a new year, Capricorn, so why not add some mayhem to your rigid lifestyle to mix things up a bit? Untuck your shirt, use silverware that doesn’t match, maybe even change all your passwords. You so craaaazy! Oh what the hell—why not get drunk and go to work and see what happens? You might find that a little sauce improves your performance and relaxes some of those impossible standards you set for yourself.
Aquarius
Hey, Aquarius, Jennifer Beals called and she wants her off-the-shoulder sweatshirt and leg warmers back. What’s up with that wardrobe you’re sporting? Every year you resolve to update your look, and every year you still look like a bad I Love the 80s promo. Stop procrastinating! Take a fashionable friend shopping and buy a few key pieces to update your look. Or get experimental and don a more current starlet look: short skirt, no panties, coke around the nostrils. That’s hot.
Pisces
Pisces, you’re so predictable and so is your resolution list: love yourself more, make more money, and lose weight. Blah, blah, blah. BOR-ing. Just for shiggles (shits and giggles) why not get a little adventurous and do the opposite? Pay as many people as you can to sleep with you and keep one hand free to fill your face with Doritos. Now that’s making a change.
Aries
You’re so lovable, Aries, but sometimes you’re a little too human golden retriever-y for your own good. Stop fetching for others this year and get a spine! Go after what you want, and bite a little if you have to. Start the business you’ve been dreaming of, take an acting class, or maybe get that sex change surgery. No one’s gonna do it for you. Transform yourself into the mouth-frothing, rabid version of Old Yeller and you’ll be amazed at what’s within your grasp.
Taurus
You’re a little too high-falutin’ these days, Taurus. Have you forgotten what it’s like for your peeps? Do you even know who your peeps are? Since you’re an earth sign, your peeps are, well, the earth. Which means you shouldn’t just tiptoe through the tulips this new year; get all up in the tulips’ grill, roll around in them, rub the pollen all over your bare breasts if you have to, maybe even lick the stamen. It’s time to reconnect with what’s important.
Gemini
