Sure, you’re the sign of the twins, but you really need to stop yapping it up with your twin in public. People are starting to talk. Your coworkers even set up an extra cubicle for your “imaginary friend.” You’ve been dreaming of owning a home, so perhaps this is the year you finally house that imaginary person you carry around in your head. And for the love of savings, make sure she’s covered on your medical plan.
Cancer
So you’ve got 1,731 emails in your inbox, huh, Cancer? Well boo fricking hoo. You’ve been trying to organize your life since 21 Jump Street aired, but it’s time to take action. Start simple; channel Tim Gunn and throw away all your gnarly, ripped-up undies, then color-coordinate your thongs and your granny panties. You’ll be ready to conquer your inbox after that … and your own box will thank you.
Leo
Leo, that mane of yours is like Dynasty hair on a good day, One Day at a Time hair on a bad one. What gives? Say it out loud: I am not Joan Collins. Feels good, doesn’t it? Cutting your hair won’t take you out of the spotlight. Au contraire! Think Sinead O’Connor, Natalie Portman, or Britney Spears. You’ll be on the cutting edge, getting all the attention you so crave. But whatever you do, be bold. After all, you’re a lion, not a pussy.
Virgo
You’re probably really good at your job since you’re such a perfectionist, Virgo. But perfection is lame. Besides, you’re bored and you need a new challenge. Do yourself a favor: screw up big time and get yourself fired this year. Grope a coworker’s ass, or maybe send out an inappropriate porn email to “All.” You’ll receive unemployment or maybe even a nice cash settlement, which will give you the luxury of time off to reflect on what it is you really want to do.
Libra
You! Huddled in the corner! Put down the doughnut and walk away … slowly. The scales don’t lie, Libra, but you oughtta know that, being the sign of the scales and all. Yes, you work out four days a week and yes, you eat healthy 70 percent of the time. But that 30 percent is really killing you. You’re a fine piece of woman as is, but you’ll feel better if you stop nickel and diming yourself with crap and cut out that evil 30 percent once and for all. 2008 is your year of healthy svelte-ness, you foxy minx, you.
Scorpio
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