Pisces
Does it sometimes feel like you’re a magnificent angelfish swimming against a school of ugly sardines? That’s because you’re a drama queen. Snap back into reality! Life isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be. In fact, the many moons of Jupiter are perfectly aligned this month to bring you a little underwater booty. The stars didn’t tell me what kind of booty that you’ll be getting, just that you will be getting some. So get out of those depression Juicy Couture sweatpants and go get your booty!
Aries
The prima donna inside you will be center stage this month and there will be little you can do to suppress her. The good news is you can sway Miss Thing in the right direction. If you emulate Harry Houdini (also an Aries), you will captivate and delight people with your energetic and adventurous nature, giving the illusion that you’re a perfect little peach. But if you give into your prima donna’s arrogant and jealous tendencies, then you may end up performing or conducting an unpopular disappearing act, much like your fellow Arian, Lorena Bobbitt, did back in 1993. Opt for the Houdini route this month and spread your prima donna loveliness all around.
Taurus
Sometimes you feel like you just can’t win in life, no matter how hard you try. You never fail; you just don’t win. Well, Taurus, this time you do win (sorta). According to the alignment of Jupiter’s moons, you’re correct. You really will never win at anything. So this month try celebrating not failing, instead of wondering when you will finally win at something.
Gemini
Did you know that the Olsen twins are also Geminis? Does that make them uber-twins or quadruplets? Whatever they are, they’re lucky to be Geminis and so are you, because it’s raining men and success this month. The seeds you’re planting now are sure to bloom this spring. However, before you get all excited and start picking out vases to showcase your bouquet of success, you should take a good look at what you’re planting. If it’s a new love, prepare for some teenage-like steamy make-out sessions. If you’re planting a career, get ready to climb that ladder instead of wasting your talents on your knees. But if it’s a negative attitude you’re spreading around, prepare to reap a hearty crop of loneliness and despair this spring. Happy planting, Gemini!
