Cancer
My dear sweet Cancer; you’re like the zodiac Mother Theresa. You’re thoughtful, sensitive, and you always put your friends and family first. But what about you, dear Cancer? Think about it … Momma T spent the majority of her life helping people that didn’t appreciate her and most likely smelled like manure. A splurge for her was probably taking a hot shower and she most certainly never got laid. Yes, she was loved by many people and even won the Nobel Peace Prize, but in the end, she died alone like we all do. Make March the month you stop wasting all of your great traits on other people and start treating yourself right. If you’ve always wanted to watch bullfights on acid, do it. If you’ve always dreamed of becoming the opposite sex or increasing your breast size to Dolly Parton standards, do it! And do it soon, before your deadbeat brother calls and asks for a favor.
Leo
I hate to tell you this, but the stars are cosmically aligned for a catfight this month. So you’d better step off your yoga mat and start tapping into your cat-like instincts, because someone is out to steal something from you that you’ve worked hard for. It may be your job, your lover, your porcelain pony collection, your garbage, or even your mail. The good news is that the lion is the king of all beasts and its carnal instincts will push Leo to devour anything or anyone that tries to get in its way—even porcelain pony stealing vegans. So start sharpening your claws, Leo, because crazy is coming to town!
Virgo
This is the month you’ve waited for all year, Virgo! Target is having a sale on all Method cleaning products! All of it! On Sale! If you just got excited—even a little bit—then you need to seriously check yourself. Because you’re one step away from becoming so miserably boring that if you ever do decide to cut the cord, or walk over that ledge you’re perched on, no one will even notice. The good news is the stars are perfectly aligned to help you loosen up a bit. So go out as much as possible this month. Have a couple extra drinks if you need it and pretend that you’re windexing the windows when you dance. (It’ll drive the opposite sex crazy.)
