Libra
Did you know that Libras are the zodiac’s activists? Of course you do. You’re always fighting for some cause. From petitioning for two-ply toilet paper at work to increasing the red wine pour at Chili’s, you are always up to make the world a better place. So why are you bringing everyone down with your incessant whining about your job? Here’s a thought: shut up! Nobody wants to hear it. Try to pretend that you’re an empty wine glass at Chili’s. You were made to take on more wine; wine makes everyone happy and damnit, you deserve more wine! If you become an activist for yourself, dear Libra, you will soon taste sweet wine on your lips—at Chili’s and at your job.
Scorpio
It’s rare, but sometimes the absence of moons, as in the cases of Mercury and Venus, can actually cancel out the astrological effects of moons from other planets. This is going to affect you the most as your world gets a little topsy-turvy this month. What used to seem normal will now seem unbelievable. Do not be alarmed if you start talking, reading, or walking backwards. And who knows, maybe if you put on a pair of roller skates, you’ll finally be able to say that you can skate backwards. Whatever you do, just know that it will pass and it’s just a crazy planet night.
Sagittarius
More, more, more. Yes, we get it, Sag. You want more. But do you really think it wise to keep taking and buying just for the sake of having more? Do you really need to go to such extremes to get more attention? Was it totally necessary to show your co-workers that you can do the Thriller dance naked? At the rate you’re going, you’ll be joining fellow Sag, Britney Spears, by shaving your head, attending interventions with Dr. Phil, and losing your children. Take heed, young Sag, and focus on what you need instead of what you want.
Capricorn
You are the sign of a seagoat, but no matter, you make sea goats look good. You know that if you just believe and smile enough, good things will come to you. And you’re right. Your fellow Capricorn, Ryan Seacrest, was recently awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and he’s done pretty much nothing except think good thoughts and say “Seacrest out!” If he can get a star, just think what you can get. You actually have talent and determination. So enjoy your successes this month, Capricorn. And congrats on your star, Ryan.
