Cancer
Boy, do you have the most depressing zodiac name or what? Well, fear not, because July is Cancer’s month to shine! (Possibly the only time that sentence could be viewed positively.) You’re looking fine and feeling inspired, but don’t let that characteristic moodiness bring you down. I know you dig the mysterious vibe, but it just doesn’t work in a bikini. Instead, devote your energy to exploring new venues, whether it’s a new restaurant or a whole new country. This month, ditch the Crab (your astrological symbol) … the world is your oyster.
Leo
Oh, mighty Lion, your heart is so proud and true, and your regal countenance is the envy of all the zodiac world … except this month. This month, things are going to get a little—how can I put this delicately?—shameful. Nothing’s set in stone (the stars are finicky little suckers), but said incident might involve a trashcan, a lost bra, and your neighbor’s cat. You’ll come out of it with dignity tarnished, but not lost. Just remember to listen to that prideful heart when it says you’ve had enough tequila shots.
Virgo
According to this Web site I referenced … uh, I mean, my psychic abilities, your astrological body part is the intestines. I know what you’re thinking—what the *$@& does that mean? It means that you are drawn toward foods that promote inner balance and physical health. This month, use your sign-given intuition to teach your friends and family about the importance of good nutrition. People enjoy being told that what they’re eating is wrong. Your friend might seem annoyed when you tell him that mayo is the condiment of the devil, so just tell him that his waistline will be grateful. And remember to duck when he throws his tuna sandwich at your head.
Libra
Libra, is something wrong? I sense a lot of tension in your aura. I know you say things are tough at work right now, but I can’t help but feel that this is about me. Are you still upset about that prediction I made a few months ago? It was months ago! I already apologized to you and your mother. Crystal balls and tarot cards aren’t 100 percent accurate, you know. Wait, I’m getting another reading. This one’s coming in loud and clear, so clear it’s making me dizzy! Libra, the astrological forces are combining and compelling me to tell you, to warn you … GROW UP! I predict bad things happening otherwise. Like me being really, really mad.
Scorpio
You want money. Lots and lots of money. You keep reaching for that pie in the sky, but to no avail. The bill collectors are knocking at the door and you’re wondering why the universe isn’t intervening to throw you a financial bone. Newsflash: the universe doesn’t care about your debt. The universe is busy with way more important things, like making trees grow and stars shine extra bright on romantic nights … neat stuff like that. July is a sink-or-swim month for you, Scorpio, and it’s a perfect time to start anew by adopting a frugal lifestyle. Embrace coupons and discount sales, but avoid discounted meat at the Dollar Tree. Nobody needs to live that cheaply.
