It’s hard for a kitchen crew to take your orders seriously when you have a river of tears flowin’ down your face. It was imperative that my workers learn the proper method and procedure of peelin’ and choppin’ the infamous, most dreaded nemesis of all ... the fifty pound sack of colossal yellow onions.
Packin’ potent gases and burnin’ fumes laid laden fog bands of onion odor’ to our kitchen’s air flow. Crying as if we were all at the wakes of our most loved and dearly departed. But, the reality was, my crew couldn’t peel onions worth a crap. It was time to brand technique into their brains.
Numbero Uno!: Cut top and bottom of onion peel off without slicing into the meat of the onion, therefore, not releasing the ominous fumar’. Perform light knife slice through peelin’, top to bottom, without piercing meat, thus enabling one to remove said peel with ease and without gassing yourself.
Number Two: Set onion bottom face down and top up on cutting board. Place knife blade on top’s center point and stroke downward, making two halves. Place halves’ cut side facing down on chopping board, thus sealing the leak of any venomous vapors. We all now can proceed to step three in peace and tranquility.
Number Three: Julienne fat side of onion without completely severing, forming a bonding band holding the julienne slices together...hold on there now, there is a method to my madness! This eliminates separation, forcing and compressing gasses, spiraling them downward into your cutting space, blocking any escaping fumes from reaching your tender eyes’ tear ducts.
Number Four: Turn said julienne onion forty-five degrees and cross-cut to said width desired ... Chopped, diced, or minced. All sizes are achieved with no tears from said chopper. You’ve now learned the proper method of no tears’ onion preparation. You are now ready to conquer the world!
