Con Your Kids to Eat Vegetables, Steamy Style

In response to the latest buzz about the lawsuit against Deceptively Delicious author, Jessica Seinfeld, I’m launching my own Steamy campaign against the entire concept of hiding vegetables in your kids’ food. But all in good humor.

Seinfeld’s recipes included stuff like, Carrot and Spinach Brownies, Cauliflower Banana Bread, Broccoli Gingerbread.

Like, totally. Gag me with an asparagus spear.

Do you even know how many Flaxseed Chicken Nuggets my kids can slingshot across the room in 12.3 seconds with one hand tied behind their backs? The long term effect of sneaking foods into your kids meals is the under appreciation of the taste of real vegetables. Plus, do you want kids to grow up with confusion over what mashed potatoes really taste like? When their school friends come over for supper, they’ll wonder why the hot dogs have a green tinge and smell like the wrong end of a hippo. That, my friends, leads to worse things than not eating greens, like social anxiety, adult bedwetting, and a plethora of disorders that require expensive medication.

If we’re going to dupe our kids into eating healthily, let’s do it right. There are a variety of tactics that I employ in the Steamy Kitchen household, borrowed mainly from my husband’s old West Point Military Academy handbook and his seven years as an Anthony Robbins trainer.

Bribery: “If you eat your broccoli, I’ll give you an extra fifty cents for college.”

Blatant Honesty: “See this picture of Uncle Jimmy? We call him lard-ass. He didn’t eat kale.”

Hostile Negotiations: “If you don’t clean your plate, I’ll whip Buzz Lightyear with a fishing pole and shock him with cattle prod.”

Neuro-Linguistic Programming: “It’s funny how much the more you try to resist the natural urge to eat Brussels sprouts, the more you keep wanting it, getting more and more excited about what you are tasting in your mouth at this very moment in time.”

Exploiting Sibling Competitiveness: “If you eat your carrots, I’ll love you way more than your brother.”

Jedi-Talk: “Try? There is no try. Just eat your goddamn vegetables.”