Good Cop/Bad Cop: “Dude. If I were you, I’d just stuff those carrots in your mouth. Mom’s coming and she’s on her 6th straight day of PMS. Don’t want to be on the receiving end of that monster.”
Spontaneous Egomania: “SPINACH?! You can’t handle the spinach! Son, I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Cheetos and curse the alfalfa sprouts. I would rather you just said ‘thank you,’ and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up that spinach and eat it like a man. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.”
Injection of Guilt: “You have NO IDEA how many miles your father had to walk up the steep mountain, in Florida snow, carrying fifty pounds of oranges, wearing flip-flops to get that tofu on your dinner plate.” or “Do you know how many pairs of Gap jeans your little cousin in China had to sew to so we could buy this bok-choy?” (Ok, that was baaaad … spank me.)
Dr. Phil: “Are you eating what you’re eating today because you want to eat it, or is it because it’s what you think you were eating yesterday when you were trying to finish eating? You moron, you don’t need to eat a horse’s genitals to spell your name.”
Starving Children in Africa Guilt: “If you don’t eat, I’m shipping YOUR ASS off to starve in Africa.”
The Rath of God, Buddha, and Santa: “THEY ARE ALL WATCHING YOU RIGHT NOW.”
And my favorite technique of all, Funny Food Names—laughing so hard you don’t notice you’re eating seaweed.
Furikake French Fries (pronounced Furrrrr-ee-kokkkkkkyyyyy)
If you say that ten times fast. You might fart.
Yes, it’s a real word. Furikake is a Japanese condiment that includes dried bonito flakes, seaweed, sesame seeds, and other seasonings. Find it at most Asian markets. While normally used to sprinkle on steamed rice, I sprinkled it on a fresh batch of French fries for a really cool sweet/salty hit. You can make homemade French fries with a good mandolin like I did, but I find the frozen kind easier to bake.
