Evolve United on God’s Spaceship Earth

A List of Actual Quotes Taken From the Directions and Mission Statements of Organic Products Belonging to My Vegan Roommate:

“For us, it’s about a deep respect for the herbs we share with you.”

“May each cup bring us in touch with our inner faith, and may its authentic flavors remind us of the wisdom of Ganesha.”

“With this, every human being created on God’s spaceship Earth can evolve united.”

“Discontinue use if rash or irritation occurs.”

“Made with 71% organic ingredients!”

“Migratory waterfowl: not only are the majestic flocks beautiful to behold, they provide natural fertilizer.”

“Help unite mankind, or we’re wandering clowns!”

“Inspired by a conversation between the program’s co-founder and gang members.”

“The present never ages. Each moment is like a snowflake.”

“Persons with allergies to the Daisy family may be sensitive.”

“To simplify and enjoy life more, mix ½-oz. with 2 gallons hot water.”

“We have succeeded in liquefying crystal deodorant stones, which are 100% effective.”

“Don’t drink soap! Dilute! Dilute! OK!”

“This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.”

—from Mountain Man Dance Moves: the McSweeney’s Book of Lists by the editors of McSweeney’s

I grew up on a small working farm in Montana where my mother kept a huge garden (think “Juiceman”). I didn’t know what a store-bought carrot tasted like. My grandmother kept an even more spectacular garden, until she couldn’t remember what a carrot was. But that’s another story.  

Since I do know what fresh, organic produce tastes like, I’ll give you a tip: that funky “produce” smell that violates you when you walk into Big-Grocery-American-Style stores is a sure sign of produce that doesn’t taste like food. It may taste like chemicals, it may taste like soap—or it may not “taste” at all. The apples will be big, shiny, and free of blemishes, but ironically, their skin should not be eaten—as this is where most of the pesticides and other chemicals remain.  

Major grocery stores can be a huge disappointment when you expect fruit and vegetables to taste like, well, food. Thankfully, there are grocery stores that partner with certified organic farmers to provide us with organic options. Many of these farmers are local (and local means fresh) and practice sustainable farming methods that leave the food, soil, and earth in a healthy condition. “Sustainable agriculture integrates three main goals—environmental health, economic profitability, and social and economic equity.”[1]