Consider this list of the 10 Worst Christmas Songs the early Christmas gift that you’ll stash in your closet and intend on returning but never get around to doing until after the return policy has expired.
It’s a catchy little tune that will set up shop in your brain hole and NEVER LEAVE. Images of tiny, overly cheery Spanish guitar players with falsetto voices will dance in your head for the rest of the day after you hear this song.
Merry Merry Cherry Cherry Christmas.
What the hell do cherries and St Elmo’s Fire style saxophone solos have to do with Christmas?! Neil Diamond, take this one back. I know you can do better.
Anything by Pat and/or Debby Boone (1970s)
Anything by Michael Bolton (1980s)
Anything by Amy Grant or John Tesh (1990s)
Anything by Celine Dion (2000s)
These songs make me want to punch an elf through a fan.
Do they know it’s Christmas?
Do they know this song is from 1984 and that half the performers are dead, drug addicted, or irrelevant? It’s time for a new cause and a new song. Maybe something like, “Do they know the government and corporations have stolen our retirement funds?” or “Do you know what I know (The Kardashians are drag queens)?”
Any song that is instrumental only.
These songs make me have to do the work of humming or singing the words myself. This is not the type of giving I want to do during the holidays. They also feature ridiculously long (and unnecessary) sitar, synthesizer, or violin solos.
Winter Wonderland by the Eurythmics.
This song is about three beats too slow and makes me wonder if Annie and Dave shared eight joints, ate a turkey, cranked the thermostat to 85 and then recorded it. This one is also a victim of the random saxophone solo.
All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
This song is cute for about the first five years of your life and then it becomes the root canal of Christmas songs.
Dominick, The Italian Christmas Donkey.
This song makes the list based on the title only. Who doesn’t remember the story of the plucky Italian Christmas Donkey eating a boat-load of his grandma’s homemade rigatoni and then trying to fly Santa’s sleigh? Oh, wait, me neither.
Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
The last thing I want to do when I listen to this song is rock. If they renamed the song, “Dancing slowly in a careful circle around the Christmas tree,” I’d consider removing it from the Worst list.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
I realize that this song is the People of Walmart national anthem but I can barely get through it without feeling like beating my head in with a mallet.
On the bubble…
Anything by Gloria Estefan. Christmas in Miami must be very, very depressing.
Anything by Michael Buble and Josh Groban. These two can make fun of themselves, which is what saved them from the Worst list.
- Anything by Mariah Carey. I am going to leave Mariah alone because the worst this diva has done to us (unlike you, Whitney Houston) is gain and lose a bunch of weight and sing a world-record number of trills.
Songs that I will listen to more than once
Jingle Bell Rock and Wonderful Christmas Time
These two nearly fall into the Feliz Navidad category but they’re just jazzy enough to make me boogy versus bash my head.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town (Bruce Springsteen) and Happy Christmas (John Lennon)
I don’t need to tell you why these are awesome. If I do, then what are you doing reading this list in the first place? Shouldn’t you be helping someone cross the street or manning a Salvation Army donation kettle somewhere? Go on – get out of here!
Anything by Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra.
I don’t need to tell you why these are awesome. If I do, then what are you doing reading this list in the first place? Shouldn’t you be listening to Justin Bieber or Demi Lovato on your iPod while playing Call of Duty? Go on – get out of here!
The Little Drummer Boy.
I should note that in my mind this song is called “Little Drummer Man” and features (a shirtless) Nick Cannon from Drumline. I’m going to stop talking about this now before I get sued/arrested.
Frosty the Snowman; Christmas Time is Here (Charlie Brown); and Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.
I’m not completely dead inside, people!