Yesterday my ftr-n-law, let's call him Shot, asked me to go to a friends house with him and help load some stuff on his flat bed trailer. Once we got there Shot and his friend, Marvin, spent some time walking around the work shop and talking before we got started.
We had made our way back outside and Marvin was showing us what needed to be loaded up. I had to pee really bad so I asked Marvin if it was ok if I watered his oak tree. Of course he doesn't mind. We are all rednecks in south Mississippi after all.
So I walk over to the tree and start my business. I'm standing there when I felt something pop the bill of my ball cap. I shu it away with my hand then I get popped again. All of a sudden a swarm of yellow jackets emerge from a hole in the ground in biblical proportions. The same hole that I just so happen to be peeing in. And they ain't happy.
I get stung on the back of the neck but I can't run because I can't stop peeing. Then pop on my left ear and pop, pop on my left wrist. I'm swinging my arms but I'm surrounded. Then pop… I get stung right on the most delicate part of the crotch known to man.
I start screaming “SON OF A BISCUIT EATER!… FUDGE!… SHUT THE FRONT DOOR” I come running around the corner right between Shot and Marvin, I'm swinging my left arm, holding my croutch with my right hand, my pants around my knees and screaming bloody murder. I'm jumping around dancing in Marvin's front yard like a lunatic with my croutch on fire.
When Shot and Marvin realize what happened they fall out in the yard laughing. No kidding… they are actually rolling around in the yard like little kids barely able to breath. I'm dying and they are laughing at me. I think Shot thought I was just carrying on… so I showed him. He almost passed smooth out! He looked at me and said “Ohhhhh! The stingers still in it”. I looked back down and it was still swelling. I looked back up at Shot and yelled “AM I GONNA DIE? HELP ME!” Shot yells back “WHAT CAN I DO?' I'm like “PULL IT OUT!! PULL IT OUT!!”
I move toward Shot and he runs from me. “GET AWAY!” he says. I end up chasing him around the truck yelling at him for help and he's running for dear life. Marvin is lying in the yard not moving… he is laughing so hard he can't move and starting to turn blue.
Then we notice a fourth witness standing on the back porch. It's Marvin's sweet little wife watching me run around in her yard, holding my crotch and yelling at my father n law "PULL IT OUT!" When she stopped speaking in tongues I got the nicest invitation to leave someone's property and never come back I had ever received.
I will never pee outside again… I'm just sayin'!
