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“The Bachelor”: Meet the Parents

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This week on The Bachelor, Ben takes a break from playing world traveler and visits nonexotic, commonplace towns to meet the four remaining hopefuls’ skeptical families. This episode did not include any helicopters, life-threatening jumps off of sketchy objects, or tacky puns, and was overall a pretty normal episode. Is this a breach in the contract? Regardless, we got to witness plenty of ever-so-awkward meet-the-parents moments, made even more awkward due to the fact that Ben is pimp-style dating all four women at once. Despite the circumstances, Ben seems to fit in well with most of the families, although one makes him feel about as welcome as a bacon sandwich at a bar mitzvah. Let’s review the visits so you can be the judge of where Ben, the care-free, curtain-haired wine dude, fits in best.

Lindzi in Ocala, Florida

In case you didn’t pick up on this, Lindzi likes horses—a lot. That’s why it’s less than shocking when she welcomes Ben to her hometown by sauntering up on her equine companion. They immediately crack open some wine and hop on an Amish-style buggy. Ben proves that he has no idea what the hell he is doing when he steers the carriage in an uncontrollable zig-zag pattern across the trail. We hope for their sake you can’t get a DUI while operating a horse-drawn buggy in Ocala. They arrive at Lindzi’s house and are greeted by her parents. Ben must have been embarrassed when he realizes he is holding a whip in one hand and clutching their daughter’s behind with the other—that is, until Lindzi’s dad introduces himself as Harry Cox. No really, Harry Cox. Kids must have had a field day with that in middle school. As a fraternity-style induction into the family, Harry Cox makes Ben partake in a chariot race as if they were competing in the Olympic Games in ancient Greece. Of course Ben loses and is forced to drag Harry Cox and his buggy home. This might sound like a horrible time, but the crew appeared to be having an odd, but good experience. The rest of the day consists of easy, flowing conversation. Ben even gets Harry Cox’ blessing to marry his daughter.

Kacie B. in Clarksville, Tennessee

Kacie welcomes Ben with a marching band consisting of forty band geeks from Stratford High who were promised extra credit. Kacie appears in the middle of the parade twirling her baton (aka her secret weapon). Ben’s expressionless face suggests that he doesn’t think her skills are nearly as cool as she thinks they are. They sit down to chat and Kacie reveals that her Bible-thumping father is a federal probation officer who doesn’t drink. Ben scrunches up his face as he imagines living a life without having a glass of wine less than a foot away from him at all times. Despite Kacie’s sober dad, Ben arrives at their home bearing none other than a bottle of wine. It all goes downhill from here. After an awkward dinner, Kacie’s dad tells Ben that he refuses to give his blessing and Kacie’s mom reveals that she is not okay with cohabitation before marriage. Translation: No Fantasy Suite. Can you say deal breaker?

Nicki in Ft. Worth, Texas

To celebrate being in Texas, Ben shows up wearing too-tight skinny jeans, a button-up black shirt, and a ridiculous cowboy hat that smashes his middle-parted mop of hair flatter than we ever thought possible. After completing the Western look by purchasing a pair of cowboy boots, Ben officially looks dumb. They head over to Nicki’s house and are greeted by her family who seem very friendly, yet hesitant. Due to Nicki’s failed marriage at the ripe age of twenty-three, her parents initially come off as very protective. That is short-lived, however, when Nicki’s dad gives Ben his approval during a toast at dinner. Nicki scores some alone time with Ben during which she drops the L-bomb. They then proceed to make out on her mom’s bed for several minutes. Overall, it was a good visit.

Courtney in Scottsdale, Arizona

After three fairly average visits, the audience was banking on some craziness from Courtney’s hometown visit—and that is precisely what we got. It starts off somewhat normal with a dinner during which Courtney says that she’s in “like-love” with Ben. Way to give him the hyphen, Court. Although not as certifiably nuts as we might have expected, Courtney’s family seems like they jumped straight out of a SIMs game, what with their lack of facial expressions and robotlike conversation. Not to mention that the mother looks like a startled hyena; we quickly learn where Courtney’s facial tics and sickening baby voice stem from. After family time, Courtney and Ben go to a park that just happens to be setting up for a wedding. Courtney creepily suggests that they get fake-married and proceeds to pull out paper and pens to write vows, a dorky bowtie for Ben, and rings made of twigs. They approach the altar where some homeless man is being paid to stand and Ben begins to recite his fake vows. “From the moment I saw you, you took my breath away,” he told her sincerely. “I thought, ‘Is this too good to be true?’” Duh, Ben. Courtney then recites her vows which were directly ripped from the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie breaks up with the Russian telling him she was “looking for love. Real love. Passionate, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” Courtney begins to stammer as she prepares to tell Ben she loves him. In fact, the soul-sucking black widow of doom actually seems to have a genuine, humanlike moment of sincerity. Maybe she should take a break from modeling for JCPenney catalogs and peruse an acting career.

Photo source: ABC Medianet

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