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“The Bachelor”: The Women Tell All Without Saying Anything

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This week, in the “Women Tell All” episode, fans of The Bachelor get the honor of watching the ladies who were given the boot by Ben return to “tell all” without actually saying much of anything. The show starts out with a video recap of the entire season, highlighting the most jaw-dropping moments. The girls watch intently as they were too liquored up to remember the majority of the filming, and the audience reacts to the footage like they are watching an episode of Maury, clasping their hands to their mouths and critically shaking their heads like they just found out who the baby daddy is. After reviewing the scene in which Jamie gives Ben the most awkward lap dance ever, Chris Harrison introduces the angry mob, er, women and begins asking questions to fuel the fire. Although the majority of the show consists of B-roll footage that we faithful Bachelor watchers have already been subjected to and brainless, catty banter, we can’t discount the handful of moments that made throwing away two hours of our Monday night oh-so worth it. Read on to see the most rose-worthy quotes of the night.

“You’re like the Chihuahua of the house; you just don’t stop talking!” —Brittney

From the second Samantha opens her mouth, we realize why Ben sent her packing without so much as a toss of his mop hair: the girl’s voice sounds like a combination of Justin Bieber before he hit puberty and a hyena in heat. Brittney, the girl who sent herself home, admits that she bailed out because she was not attracted to Ben. So we’re not crazy! Someone finally admits that Ben looks like the byproduct of mixing Josh Groban’s DNA with that of a mole. For some unknown reason, this angers Samantha, who proceeds to break the sound barrier with her shrill, critical whining. Just as viewers are frantically searching for the mute buttons on their remotes, Brittney pipes up and compares Samantha to an annoying, yappy dog, temporarily putting an end to the fork-on-chalkboard screeching. America simultaneously gets down on their knees and praises Brittney through the TV screen.

“Hearing some of the things that were said behind my back, not only about being a bitch, but about my body image and being uglier in person and my hips being too big, it was really hard.” —Shawntel

This girl seriously can’t take a hint. During the season, Shawntel, the funeral director from a past season, crashed the rose ceremony preparty to confess her feelings for Ben in hopes of securing a rose. As Shawntel walked through the party, the girls made their crazy faces, called her trailer trash, and made fun of her thighs. Way to scrape the bottom of the wine barrel, ladies. After a swift five minutes, Shawntel was denied by the middle-parted, dorky bachelor. Ouch, talk about an ego blow. So what’s she doing making an unwelcomed appearance again? After giving a heartfelt speech about how mean the girls were to her, Shawntel reveals that she is mostly upset that the girls called her fat. Forget about the insults about her character; all this girl needs is some reassurance that she has a good waist-to-hip ratio. The insecure embalmer eventually receives an ego boost from Emily, the rapping epidemiologist, and decides she’s content enough to move on with her life.

“You called me a stripper on national TV, and it hurt my feelings.”—Blakeley

In an unexpected twist, model Courtney, the most controversial villain of the season, takes the hot seat, trying to remember the instructions her recently hired media trainer, lawyer, and therapist drilled into her brain. After a series of seemingly insincere apologies, Blakeley, the girl who used her jugs to woo Ben, confronts Courtney about calling her a stripper in front of millions of people. At one point Blakeley even suggests that Courtney has no ammo as she stripped down to her birthday suit for a skinny dipping session with Ben in Puerto Rico. Their mothers would be so very proud. Courtney manages to squeeze out a single tear and apologize, but in this situation a simple “touché” would have sufficed.

“Welcome to my nightmare.”—Ben

Just when we thought we’d get a week without being subjected to Ben’s drab personality and unfortunate nineties hair, the bachelor takes the stage and essentially discloses that this is his idea of hell. Ben glances at the mob, avoiding eye contact and wondering who the girl to the far left is. The girls take turns asking questions, seeking impossible closure. Nicki claims that he is the best guy she has ever met. At that point, we’re wondering if she’s had contact with any other men in life.

“I feel like a lot of the times, it doesn’t work out with whoever you choose; if you’re not happy with who you choose, I still think you’re fabulous and I still want to get to know you.” —Jamie

Who could forget Jamie? You know, the girl who awkwardly straddled Ben and gave him a painful instructional kissing lesson in a last-ditch effort to secure a rose. As if that cringe-worthy moment wasn’t enough, she frenetically blurts out that she will be Ben’s sloppy seconds if it doesn’t work out with whomever he chooses. Ben uncomfortably nods along as he’s haunted by flashbacks of that uncomfortable night. She finally ends her rambling and suggests that she’ll be available when his engagement falls to pieces after a month. Ben casually responds by saying, “Perfect,” which clearly translates to “Never.”


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