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BARBIE for Greater Delaware County

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Mattel recently announced the release of limited edition Barbies for the Greater Delaware County market:


1. Main Line Barbie—This princess Barbie is sold only on Rittenhouse Square in Center City. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.


2. Springfield Barbie (recently relocated version of the South Philly Barbie)—The modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She can get lost easily and comes without full-time occupation. She still goes back to South Philly for doctors’ appointments, shopping, bakery, pizza, weddings, and funerals. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.


3. Upper Darby Barbie—This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark, and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills), unless you are a cop, in which case we don’t know what you’re talking about.


4. Eddystone Barbie—This pale model comes dressed in two-sizes-too-small Wrangler jeans, a NASCAR t-shirt, and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Her accessories include a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She spits over five feet and can kick Mullet-Haired Ken’s butt when she’s drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.


5. Marcus Hook Barbie—This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one heel broken from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Upper Darby Barbie’s house. Her ensemble also includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Mobile home available separately.


6. Chester Barbie—This Barbie now comes with a stroller and two infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. White boy Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

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