“You are all the same hue.”
“I don’t care.”
“Have a nice day at work.”
My husband is the only person I feel qualified to dispense fashion advice to and he doesn’t listen to most of what I have to say. Actually he doesn’t listen to anything I say but occasionally he’ll ask me if his tie matches his suit. So I am really the last person to write about fashion but I’m going to anyway. I like to live life on the edge.
Here are some of my fashion tips:
1. When in doubt, don’t.
We all know this one but I can’t stress it enough. If any little shadow of uncertainty creeps into your head when you’re standing in front of the mirror, go put on something else. When I shop for a new outfit, I usually just buy the ensemble that has already been arranged on a mannequin. Those people in the department stores are color coordinated.
2. Don’t wear white after Labor Day.
Because if you do, you will spill coffee on your favorite pair of white pants. I don’t know why, where or when this law came about but yeah, I do think it’s a law. I’ve heard it from several different sources for my entire life. In fact I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t wear white after Labor Day. So I believe it’s something to take seriously. But it’s only enforced from the waist down. Go ahead and wear a white shirt, blouse or sweater but pants and shoes, people will talk about you behind your back.
3. When your son gets married you buy beige dress and keep your mouth shut.
It’s a standard misconception that the bride and her mother actually give a damn about what you think. Just buy the dress and pay for the booze, nod your head yes to whatever stupid idea they come up with and the blessed day will go smoothly, for you anyway. Don’t forget your drink, keep it over half full at all times, within arm reach and dance girl, dance.
Now this next rule is new to me and I must be very careful to protect my source or this source will calm up tight as a drum and I get a lot of good stuff from mom.
4. Mauve is the color of the dress you’re buried in.
Apparently elderly women are picking mauve dresses to wear in their caskets. I was surprised too. But think of it, is mauve really a good color on anybody, except the dead? I really never put much thought into the outfit I will spend eternity in, I was just going to let whoever buries me to pick out my casket ensemble. But then I got to thinking, I have three boys. Need I say more? Feel free to investigate the proper attire for a casket, I plan to start taking notes at the funerals I attend. Although someone who shall remain nameless has already shown me where her mauve dress is hanging. So this note taking will be strictly for curiosity’s sake.
5. When you wear a top or dress with spaghetti straps your bra straps don’t disappear.
Shocking but true.
“You are all the same hue.”