My husband and I were driving on I-95 North in Pennsylvania, and I couldn’t help but notice all the interesting billboards that line that road. There were billboards for movies, a billboard debunking the evolution theory followed by a billboard debunking the creation theory—I guess everyone gets equal time even in outdoor advertising—and an electronic billboard that posted the picture of a criminal on the lam. Let me correct myself: he was not just any criminal. No, this criminal was an elite member of the Most Wanted list.
To be honest, I am not sure if it was the state of Pennsylvania’s most wanted list or a national one. It probably doesn’t matter except I don’t want to give too much credit to the wrong criminal. After all, I’m sure the criminal who is number one on the national list worked extra hard to get that spot.
Anyway, as I stared at this enormous head shot of this criminal, I started to think about other photos which might pique the interest of motorists who drive our busiest roadways. Imagine if private citizens put up their own most wanted list? With that thought in mind, I have compiled a short list of pictures that I would like to see on what I call the “Have you seen me?” billboard.
- I would like to post the picture of all the financial tycoons who almost destroyed our economy. We should post photos of them sitting on the decks of their beach houses or at their mountain retreats in Aspen. This way everyone can get a good sense of how they spent the money they stole from us or conned out of us. Let’s put their private phone numbers on the billboard, too. This way everyone who drives on that much trafficked corridor can call and say, “Hey, what’s up? Where the hell is my money?” Or “What did you do with my retirement plan?” A few hundred calls to them each day might inspire them to do the right thing and give back all they took. Naïve thinking I know, but public humiliation does get results.
- You know that girl in high school that made your life a living hell? Well, I want to put my terror girl’s face all over I-95. And I’m not talking her air brushed senior portrait or the prom picture of her and her date. No, I’m talking about the post-prom picture. The one which was taken right after she threw up from drinking too much—the photo where her black mascara is running down her cheeks and she looks like a zombie cast member from Night of the Living Dead. And since there is room on the billboard for words, the caption on that photo could read: “Do you know her? If you do, get yourself tested.” I know vengeance is not the way to go, but sometimes it does so lift my spirits.
- If it’s possible, I would like to post a picture of my sanity. I don’t know what the picture would look like—I guess a brain with curly hair would do. My sanity has been missing since about Thanksgiving. I thought after the New Year it would return, but so far, it’s still AWOL. You don’t have to believe me on this one. Just ask my family who have all been walking around the house this past month on eggshells. Even the dogs are trying to be extra good. I do feel for them the most as they don’t get to escape me during the day like the rest of those who reside in my house.
- My new Victoria’s Secret bra: I am sure that I can find a picture of it in one of the catalogs. It’s pink and pretty, and it’s missing. Yes, I had it for two weeks, put it in the wash and now, it’s not anywhere. I know most people are saying, “It’s a bra, get over it.” But it’s a $68 bra! And it’s wonderful, and I want it back! I am even willing to post a reward for it. And if someone does find the bra, will you return it to me along with the body of one of the Victoria’s Secret models, or is that too much to ask?
- The Cast of Jersey Shore. I know. They are not missing, but if we put up their photo, maybe they will be, and that would make my freaking year!
- Last but not least, I would like to post symbolic pictures of my social media friends who refuse to let the world in on their real identities. They have cartoon characters as profile pictures or worse, the circle-headed figures that one finds on public restroom doors. These people seem to hold so many secrets. They never answer questions about their lives which leads me to ask, “Why the big secret? Who are you, Batman?”
I know people might be interested in having their own billboards, so I promise that I will not hoard all the space on I-95. Feel free to cruise down the highway and pick out a billboard that strikes your fancy. Just beware of one thing: if everyone gets a billboard, the face of the guy or girl on the most wanted list might turn out to be you.