I’m missing two bras and I’m not happy about it.
They were supposed to arrive by USPS today, and they almost did. Instead, I received the box, which had been pried open, and the receipt. No bras in sight and—at the risk of over-sharing—those bad boys are hard to miss.
They are expensive, too. But so deeply committed to appearing “up to 1-3/4 inches smaller” am I that I gladly overpay. Besides, it would be selfish of me to complain. My bras’ work ethic is unparalleled. Theirs is no small job, my friends, and they do it uber-cheerfully.
As valuable as my bras are to me, I think they probably lack street value. So why the fuck would anyone steal them? And who would they give them to? It’s not like they’re one-size-fits-all. They barely fit me. (I refuse to wear the correct size; I can’t even say my correct size.)
Lucky for me, only the finest retailers can cater to my bra needs. These stores always stand behind their merchandise—even when it is stolen. So I’m getting two free replacement bras and free overnight shipping.
This time tomorrow, I’ll be riding high.