Craving Elves

+ enlarge

It’s an undisputable fact that at some point in your life you will all be attacked and controlled by craving elves. These despicable, microscopic creatures resemble door-to-door salesmen. You know the type: slick hair, warm smiles, dark suits, friendly, eloquent, and always pushy. Unfortunately, turning off the lights and pretending that no one’s home won’t work for these elfish sprites. Craving elves are elusive, sneaky little devils that set up shop in the brain, and control your thoughts. They find joy casting spells on the senses. They blur vision and intensify desire. They magically turn everything into an I-must-have-this-right-now-or-perish. 

Craving elves travel in packs in order to ensure the most destruction. They feed on indulgence and surrender. To avoid alarm and suspicion, craving elves don’t pressure you at first, oh no. These sly, little buggers are too smart for that. They just sit on your shoulders and whisper the ever so subtle, persistent suggestions into your ears. “Ah, look at that delectable piece of chocolate. It smells so good. I bet it would taste even better. Take a little bite.” or “It’s been a whole minute since you checked your email. Don’t you think someone sent you a message by now? You should check your email again.” or “Look at that dress. Yes, the dress is $200, but it’s on sale. It’s a deal of a lifetime. Trust me.” Craving elves giggle with delight when you surrender to their tempting. They are cunning, smooth talkers and hard to avoid. They know their stuff. Once you are in their control, you’re toast!

Craving elves loath structure, common sense, willpower, and especially diets. These less experienced, conservative enemies put up a good fight, but they are no match for the despicable craving elves. When these novice rivals attempt to thwart a craving mission—A.K.A. operation buy me, eat me, etc.—the elves dive into your thoughts like kamikaze airplanes ready to attack. A war of mind games ensues until eventually you crash and burn. Craving elves show no mercy. They always leave behind a sting of pleasure which quickly festers and often turns into remorse.

Craving elves are members of a secret society known as the Deadly Sins or DSS. Their partners in crime are Wrath, Greed, Sloth, Pride, Envy, Lust, and Gluttony. This toxic gang loves to hide out in the dark alleys of the mind, stake out their territory, and prey on the thoughts of unsuspecting individuals. They lie in wait ready to pounce on any opposition. Their nemesis is the Seven Virtues Squad. The SVS may appear weak and angelic, but they are tough. Craving elves are always on the look out for the SVS. On occasion, the DSS and SVS gangs battle it out in someone’s head. The aftermath is never good, and it usually causes migraines.

When craving elves are burnt out and in desperate need of a vacation, they seek out the brains of pregnant women. A pregnant woman’s brain is like a day at Disneyland for craving elves. It’s the happiest place on earth. No joke! These insensitive, clever elves know that they don’t have to work as hard to tempt women who are expecting. These women let their guard down and give in easily to cravings. They think it’s the baby causing these cravings, but they are wrong. Furthermore, husbands and family members often do the dirty work for the craving elves and gladly make continual trips to the store in order to make pregnant women happy and support their cravings. We will just call these family members, craving elves’ little helpers.

What is a person to do? How do you avoid or put to death these pesky, impish elves? The first step is to fumigate the brain. Where there is one, there are sure to be many more lurking. When cravings come out of the darkness like cockroaches and crawl around the walls of your thoughts, use some very strong smelling salts. It will knock the craving elves out of your brain, and you will come to your senses. If that doesn’t work, slap your face a few times. Jostle those devilish creatures around a bit. Make them lose their footing. If that still doesn’t destroy the elves, dunk your head in a bucket of icy water. Drown the buggers. This will keep any craving elf at bay, and give you time to recover. Just be careful not to drown in the process. Last, if you have tried everything and failed, burn your money. Burn your credit cards. Throw your loose change in any fountain that you can find. It’s difficult to follow through with a craving without money. Craving elves will for sure jump ship if you are as poor as dirt.

So, if you have ever failed to resist that second helping of cheesecake, spent several hours posting every minute of your life on Facebook, or felt a nagging desire to buy that pair of shoes on sale, even though they don’t quite fit, you have been enslaved by the craving elves. Everyone has had an encounter of the craving kind, even though some are too afraid to admit it.


Loading comments...