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Dating Dos and Don’ts from “The Bachelor”

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This week, Ben and his devotees fly to beautiful Puerto Rico, the perfect place to fall in love, according to every girl on the show. Ben shows off his “Latin flare” by wearing white linen head-to-toe and flaunting his moderate Spanish skills by saying phrases like “It’s raining gatos!” Why would it only be raining cats, Ben? But that’s beside the point. While the episode starts off on a rather tame note, the drama quickly escalates, leaving us faithful viewers with useful dos and don’ts of the dating world. What would we do without the women of The Bachelor as our faithful guides to relationships?

Do: “Come on, Bitches!” –Kacie B.

For the group date, Ben and the women head to the Roberto Clemente Coliseum to play a friendly game of baseball. The women split up into teams, competing for an invitation to a romantic, cocktail-flowing soiree on the beach come nightfall. Surprisingly, most of the girls can hit a mean ball. It quickly becomes less surprising when the camera pans over to the pitcher’s mound where Ben is gently tossing air balls that an eighty-seven year-old woman could knock out of the park. Despite the easy pitches, the girls put on their game faces and truly put all their energy into winning. Sweet little Kacie B. even lets out an uncharacteristic, “Come on, bitches!” After a couple extra innings, Ben and the winning red team is picked up by helicopter (of course) and whisked away to a private beach while the other girls are chartered back on a janky school bus, appropriately crying like school girls. Moral of the story: a competitive attitude is sexy. If you want something, go for it. Give it your 100 percent or you could end up on a bus, rather than a private beach-bound helicopter.

Don’t: “I’ve done everything I’ve wanted to do.” –Elyse

On the second one-on-one date, Ben and Elyse (a.k.a. Jersey) take to the high seas on a private yacht. Elyse even dons her most grown-up Jersey Shore attire. Romantic, right? Eh, not so much. While lounging on the deck and sipping champagne, Elyse dives right into a light conversation, dropping the I-missed-my-best-friend’s-wedding- and-quit-my-job-to-be-here bomb. Way to ease into it, Jersey. Ben awkwardly nods. The twenty-four-year-old then throws two more red flags at Ben, saying she’s already accomplished everything in her life that she wants and is just tired of being single. Ben questions her intentions and she scrambles to undo the undoable damage. Fast forward to the cliché dinner on the beach. They’ve barely touched their food before Ben picks up the rose and tells her that she’s been cast off the island. He escorts her to the water’s edge where they pensively watch as a water taxi approaches the shore. She whines through tears that she has no idea what she did wrong. Really, you don’t know? Ladies, on a first date, don’t lead with guilt-trips, tragic stories about past heartbreak, and confessions that you’re done with life in your early twenties. Major turn-offs.

Do: “Game on, or is it game over?” –Courtney

It’s no secret that model Courtney is a complete nut job. But we have to give her credit for putting it all out there, literally. After Ben’s not-so-great date with Jersey, he walks back to his hotel room to find Courtney seductively lounging in a robe on the stairs outside his door. They then proceed to the beach with some vino where it takes little convincing Ben to go skinny dipping. We’re then treated to two sets of censored butt cheeks scampering into the ocean and a hot-and-heavy makeout sesh. Well played, Courtney. The crazy model makes several un-ironic comments about how she’s winning (We bet (hope) she’s embarrassed that the Charlie Sheen breakdown had blown over by the time these episodes aired). But she just might be right. This girl knows how to compete and although her intentions may be malicious and fake, she sure demonstrates the art of putting yourself out there to reap the rewards.

Don’t: “She’s different around you than she is around us.” –Emily

During the infamous drink-as-much-alcohol-as-you-can-before-the-rose-ceremony party, Emily apologizes for talking to Ben about Courtney. Good for you Emily! Way to be the bigger person. Mouth-twitchy Emily immediately back-tracks by saying she still stands behind her opinion and proceeding to bitch about Courtney for the next several minutes. Ben tells her, once again, to mind her own business. Seriously. Emily and every other woman on the planet, don’t talk badly about other girls to a guy you like. It’s never a good look.

Do: “My connections with the other woman are true and deep, and I think they’re past what we can ever get to at this point.”Ben

Is it just us or is Ben is his most appealing when he’s breaking up with women? For most of the show, he’s a rather bland dude, bent on repeating phrases like “laid-back,” “down-to-earth,” “good vibe,” and “I’m open” with abandon. But when confronted with a girl he doesn’t see himself with, he’s suddenly and consistently eloquent, firm, and fair. He teaches us all the right way to handle relationship confrontation and it’s in these moments he seems most like boyfriend-material. The dating lessons to gather here: breakup like Ben does with resolve and honesty, and date men who are similarly forthright.

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