In Defense of Michael Bolton

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I know what you’re thinking. That cheeseball. That sappy guy with the bad hair who’s made a career on the backs of other people’s songs. He’s at the top of every Worst Singer of All Time list. He boils everyone’s blood. There’s even an Anti-Michael Bolton Society who finds his music, voice, hair, face, etc. “horrible and disgusting.”

People, I’ve heard it all and spent years silently loving this man’s music. But you know what? I’m done. I have listened to this nonsense for twenty years and I can’t take it anymore. At the risk of forever being labeled the world’s lamest person, I am going to finally take a stand—a stand for Michael Bolton.

In fact, I’m taking it a step further. Not only does Michael rule, he’s cooler than you. How can he be cooler than me, you ask? He is … and here’s why.

The Most Successful Mullet Wearer Ever
Whether you’re eight or eighty, you’ve had some bad hair. Maybe you went for the home perm, the Flock of Seagulls do, the rat tail, the feathered bangs, or the comb-over—it doesn’t matter. The only difference between you and Michael Bolton when it comes to hair is that he sold fifty-three million records with his bad hairdo. What did you sell? Your futon on Craigslist?

All Bolton. All Day. All Night.
Up until 2007, there was a 24-hour Michael Bolton radio station in Austin called Bolton FM 106. Not only have you never had your own radio station, but I bet you’ve never even captured a large audience’s attention at all. Michael’s songs have been broadcast over five million times and have filled 50,000 hours of airtime. That translates into more than 5.7 years of continuous playing. I bet the only thing you’ve ever droned on about for five years is how you never get laid.

This Douche Bag Gets More Booty Than You
A female fan’s perspective—“The word sexy was invented just for Michael. I just can’t pinpoint if it’s his looks, his kind heart, or his voice. But all of the combined just makes me melt.” A woman trying to win a contest where she would be on Michael’s road crew for a day had to write down all that she knew about the singer—and it came to eleven pages. The only chick who ever wrote eleven pages about you was either your caseworker, your parole officer, or your mom. And I guarantee no woman has ever told you that you were the reason for the word, “sexy.” The ladies love them some Michael. You … not so much.

He Has Time for the Little People
While you were patting yourself on the back for giving a homeless man your change, Michael Bolton has been doing amazing charity and social justice work, and long before it was popular for celebrities to do that. In 1993, he established the Michael Bolton Foundation to assist women and children at risk from the effects of poverty, and physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. He has raised millions of dollars for women, children, minorities, cancer patients, and animals. The dude is a vegan, people, which is way cooler than consuming sub-standard cows during your midnight Taco Bell runs.

The No-Talent Ass Clown Won More Awards Than Office Space
I know you’re proud of that third place red ribbon you won in junior high for the shot-put, but it’s nothing compared to Michael’s accolades. His achievements include having eight Top Ten albums, having two number one singles on the Billboard Chart, and receiving two Grammys and six American Music Awards. He signed his first record deal at fifteen. What were you doing at fifteen? He is so well respected that he was awarded a star on Hollywood Walk of Fame. Argue with that.

Even Babs Is On Board
Most people I know don’t even know how to use a comma correctly much less write over 350 songs and win the Songwriting Hall of Fame’s Hitmaker award. MB has written songs for Cher, Kiss, Barbra Streisand, Kenny Rogers, Peabo Bryson, Joe Cocker, and Patti LaBelle. Kanye West sampled his music and he performed with Luciano Pavarotti. While you were writing html for your Star Trek Web site, Michael was writing with Bob Dylan. While you were accepting male pattern baldness, Michael was accepting the award for BMI’s Songwriter of the Year.

Say what you will, but the guy can sing, write, win awards, and bring the ladies to their knees. Until all you haters start churning out multiplatinum records and selling out arena shows worldwide, you should just keep those jealous cakeholes shut. Even the dude’s hair makes money—it brought in six grand when auctioned for charity. What have you got to show for yourself?

I rest my case.

Photo courtesy of Tom Lohdan (cc)




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