Diary of a Diet

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January 1: The First Day
Today is the first day of the new me. I vow to keep my resolution this year to become the healthiest me I can be. I will eat more vegetables, exercise more, and eliminate sugar, caffeine, fat, and carbs from my diet. Here’s to the new and improved me!

January 1: Lunch
I felt guilty throwing away the cake from last night’s party. It just feels wrong to throw away perfectly good food. I ate a few bites before throwing it out. I only feel slightly guilty because there are starving kids in Africa and I ate it for them … or something like that.

January 1: Dinner
How the hell do you make spaghetti without rolls? Cutting carbs is a lot harder than I thought.

January 2: Breakfast
I had two eggs and sausage. How the heck do you eat eggs by themselves? I drank a little coffee so I’ll just have to catch up on the fruit later. Maybe I’ll drink the orange juice for a snack later.

January 2: Mid-Morning
How do people go for more than two hours without eating? I ate a Snickers bar, but at least I washed it down with orange juice.

January 2: Lunch
Did you know that pasta is a carb? I could kill my husband for telling me that. Fine, go ahead and ruin the leftovers. I ended up eating a salad. He then points out that croutons, bacon bits, and dressing are not on my diet. He is lucky the croutons, bacon bits, and dressing are not on his pants.

January 2: Mid-Afternoon
I broke into a stash of Girl Scout cookies I had hidden in the pantry. I ate them in the bedroom where my husband could not see me. I am not counting that as a snack, though, because no one knows that I ate them. When I returned to the kitchen later, my husband pointed out there were black spots on my teeth (damn Thin Mints), so now I have to get a dentist appointment because I blamed the black spots on cavities.

January 2: Dinner
Screw it. I’ve been good all day. I’m ordering pizza and washing it down with a Coke.

January 2: Bedtime
I took my daily vitamins. I feel wonderful. I even took an extra calcium pill. I think I’ll floss, too. This has been a great diet day!

January 3: Breakfast
I don’t have time to make eggs, so I ate Eggos instead. But I skipped the syrup and only ate them with butter.

January 3: Mid-Morning
Since I am back to work from Christmas vacation, it will be much easier not to cheat. Everyone at the office has the same resolution, so we will stick together.

January 3: Mid-Afternoon
Some of the bitches at work are coming down hard with sugar and/or caffeine detox. If one more person tells me how hungry they are, I’m going to punch them in the flabby gut. Their constant complaining just reminds me that I’m hungry, too. Then there’s the already skinny bitch who wants to lose “those hardest five pounds—the last ones” who has been seen eating her yogurt. She keeps cheerleading that it isn’t hard if you find “tasty” foods. Snickers is tasty, you anorexic heifer!

January 3: After Work
I stopped by McDonalds and grabbed a Happy Meal on the way home. I still hate that girl at work.

January 3: Dinner
I made a delicious dinner of homemade vegetable soup with a spinach salad. I measured my food and ate the correct portions. Whew! One more good meal down. I’m sure I’ve lost two or three pounds today!

January 4: Breakfast
Screw it; just give me coffee and toast.

January 4: Mid-Morning
Work sucks. I went to the vending machine (just to look) and ended up spending $5 on crap. I’ll just leave it in my desk. I ate a bag of M&M’s. No one was looking, so those calories are free.

January 4: Lunch
I stabbed the skinny bitch with my salad fork. I don’t want to hear about how cabbage does taste good once you stop eating fatty foods. If she’s not careful, she’ll be wearing a can of Crisco home today.

January 4: Mid-Afternoon
Got called into the boss’s office for stabbing the skinny bitch. Turns out that is considered “violence in the workplace.” I told my boss I was on a diet and he didn’t seem to care. Then I told him that the tumors on my ovaries have a tendency to make my uterus swell and therefore I have some pain issues that appear to be anger issues. He stopped listening at the word ovaries and told me to just get a doctor’s note.

January 4: After Work
After thinking about Twinkies all day, I stopped at the store to buy some fruit or something naturally sweet to tide me over until dinner. Did you know there are light Twinkies? Of course, they are only one-fourth as much fat as the regular, so I decided I would just eat one of the regular … that way I’m saving calories.

January 5: Breakfast
Pancakes with lots of syrup. Mornings are too hard. I’ll exercise more or something today. I need to start exercising anyway.

January 5: Mid-Morning
I hit the skinny bitch repeatedly with my keyboard until she dropped her yogurt and blacked out. The forged note I brought from my doctor did not cover it. After they heard I was fired, the department bought a going-away cake. Of course, I was already being escorted out of the building at the time, so I didn’t get any.

January 5: Dinner
Husband made smart-ass comments about me eating mashed potatoes and gravy. When I told him I had lost my job because of the pressures of the diet, he became angry. I drowned him in the vegetable oil I was frying my chicken in.

January 6: Dinner
The scales here are broken. They say I’ve gained four pounds. That cannot be right. I hope they have good diet food and exercise equipment in jail.


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