You are here

Everything You Need to Know About Babyoncé

+ enlarge

Oh, happy day—the pregnancé is over! Baby Bey does in fact exist, despite the greatest conspiracy theories of our time. She’s only a few days old, but unsurprisingly there’s already a media storm over Beyoncé and Jay Z’s new baby, who arrived January 7.  Here’s everything you need to know about Baby Blue’s life. Buckle up—there’s a lot.

After Much Confusion, the Name Is Appropriately Celeblike
Early reports of the birth said the couple had named her Ivy Blue—a relatively boring name by celeb standards. Lucky for us, who love celebrity trends, but unlucky for the baby, who has to live her life as a color, her name is in fact Blue Ivy Carter. If Blue Ivy isn’t the name of a lifestyle brand waiting to happen, I don’t know what is. We can all look forward to a line of sundresses, iPad cases, and fragrances in the year 2032 when Blue debuts her first celebrity “designed” label.

At Least One Person Is Worried How Blue Will Cope
It’s not easy being Blue, according to a man who bears the same unfortunate name and warns of a life of punch lines and clichés. Hey, her life can’t just be all fortune and bedazzled bathtubs. There’s gotta be some strife to exploit in the sad, soul-searching segment of her E! True Hollywood Story. (Via Forbes)

She Was Born in an Exclusive Nightclub
Well technically, it was a wing of the Lennox Hill Hospital that the couple rented and redecorated for $1.3 million. Like everywhere Jay-Z and Beyoncé go, the velvet rope was kept tightly sealed. Only this time, instead of keeping out rabid fans, partygoers, paparazzi, or anyone else not on the list, the couple’s security team kept other new parents from being able to see their babies in the maternity ward. (Via NY Daily News)

Jay-Z Dropped a Heartwarming Track About His “Bad-Ass” Daughter
Leave it to the king of hip-hop to find a way to call his baby “bad-ass” and wonder if she has the booty shakin’ powers of her mama. Still, Jay-Z’s hip-hop track about his daughter is almost as touching as Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely.” (Via Jezebel)

Celebs Welcomed #BlueIvyCarter via Twitter
No birth announcement is complete unless you hear from Rihanna and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Except One Celeb Was Notably Absent. Mreow!
Haters be hatin’ because Michelle Williams was notably absent from the virtual deluge of congratulations for the power couple. When the former member of Destiny’s Child had the gall to not profess her support in the Twittersphere, the world became poised for a cat fight. We were sure Michelle Williams was showing her deep-seated jealousy for her former partner. Our minds immediately went to how Beyoncé always had to stand in the middle of her lady group, how she always got to wear the cutest outfits and get the best solos. Well, fortunately (or unfortunately), Michelle responded that she didn’t have to show her support online because she could be there in person. See, she and Beyoncé are tight like that, they’re totally besties, or at the very least not mere characters in the perpetual Mean Girls plot we manufacture for entertainment. She also reminded us all that we should “get a life.” (Via People)


Loading comments...