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Five Celeb Stories We Hope Don’t Make It to 2012

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If you’re like us, you imagine 2012 as an idyllic time when none of us will be bothered with the whys and hows of Kim Kardashian’s failed marriage or the secrets to Pippa Middleton’s gravity-defying derriere. Yes, 2012 will be different. We will eschew such inanity for far more interesting water-cooler chatter, just as soon as we kick these bad conversational crutches to the curb (or find juicier, more scandalous stories to replace them with). Behold, the five headline-gobbling stories of 2011 that we hope will fade to black come the New Year.

Kim Kardashian’s Konjugal Disaster
The way the media jumped on Kim’s vapid vows and their subsequent unraveling, you’d think it was an international hostage situation. Although momentary husband Kris Humphrey may have felt that he might be in the exact situation at times, far too much ink has been spilled on this fiasco. We feel it’s better if we don’t take this emotional baggage with us into 2012, especially now that Kourtney’s got a bun in the oven. Think of the children!

Beyoncé’s “Fake” Baby Bump
We doubt there are many clingers-on when it comes to Bump-gate, the wildly outlandish conspiracy that Beyoncé was faking her pregnancy due to her appearance on an Australian talk show in which her baby bump seemed to deflate upon sitting down. But if there are any clingers-on, it’s time to let go of the absurd “fake baby” dream. The woman let her best friend give her a Swarovski crystal-entrusted baby bathtub, for goodness sake. Friends don’t don prosthetic bumps to get $5,200 bathtubs from their BFFs. Plus, Beyoncé’s a fair enough actor, but she’s no Meryl Streep; there’s no way she could fool us into believing that she was truly excited about giving birth to a prosthetic lump. 

Courtney Stodden’s Exotic Exoticness
A year ago, we ago we didn’t know who Courtney Stodden was. Now we are watching her boobs get dubiously authenticated by Dr. Drew on TV, cringing as we learn of her prancing around half-naked in child-populated pumpkin patch, and reading her Tweets with anticipation to learn what “exotic” activity she will “exotically” engage in next. Actually, come to think of it, Courtney Stodden is still pretty darn fun. Let’s keep her around for a while.

Pippa’s Inexplicably Enchanting Backside
Nothing was as surprising this year as the frenzy surrounding Pippa Middleton’s derriere. No offense, world, but we really didn’t understand this phenomenon from the get-go. It’s not like we were dealing with a J-Lo or even a Kardashian-caliber caboose; Pippa’s was, dare we say, average and perhaps even on the diminutive side of the booty spectrum. We can only assume that the world was so bored by the drone of Royal Wedding coverage by the time Pippa’s backside made an appearance, that its average and lifelike qualities were enough to jolt us out of our complacency and we felt collectively indebted to it. In any case, there’s no need to revisit Our Savior the Royal Rump in the New Year.

Charlie Sheen’s Winning
“Vatican assassin warlocks” was funny. And so was “gnarly gnarlingtons” and “tiger blood” and just about everything else Charlie Sheen said in that fateful interview back in February that revealed to the world just how far gone the actor was. “Winning” was even funny, at least for the first 958 times we heard it; then it began to grate on us, along with the constant stream of “Charlie is a train wreck” jokes and speculation about his mental health. Let’s give Charlie and his winning ways a rest for 2012. Maybe the silence will encourage the self-proclaimed F-18 to land back on Earth and take a much-needed nap.

Photo source: Wikimedia

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