Mom: Sweetie, Ann? Could you please pass the chicken?
Ann: Sure Mom.
Dad: So Henry, how was baseball practice?
Henry: It was great Dad. I hit a homerun and everybody cheered.
Grampa: Henry, you still goin’ to that religious private school.
Henry: Yes Papa. Why wouldn’t I? I’m still seventeen years old.
Grampa: I told you not to call me that! You sound like a fruit!
(Mom and Dad both gasp and at the same time, exclaim, “Grampa!”)
G: Well the boy’s already seventeen, he should be calling me grampa. And why are you sending him to that snooty private school. He’s never gonna learn anything!
M: Well Dad, I’ll have you know Richmond High is the most widely accepted honor school in this area.
G: Ya, I know all about that B.S. I’m talkin’ about life. The boy is sheltered! He probably won’t get laid until he’s forty!
H: Dad, is that true??
G: You keep this up, it is. And Ann, I bet you guys haven’t even talked to her about sex. She’s thirteen for cryin’ out loud. And there’s no way in hell she’ll learn about that in that insane asylum.
D: Okay, that is it! You need to calm down. That’s enough!
G: You’ll see she’ll be knocked up by seventeen, and won’t even know what hit her!
D: Okay, you are excused from the table, now!
A: Papa, what’s knocked up?
G: Doll, I love you I do, sweetheart, but you need to start talking to some girls from public schools, you need to know how normal boys really are. They’ll reach out and touch your boobs, you won’t even know what hit ya! I know, I was one of those boys.
M: (screaming) Dad, get out of the room, get out!
G: Listen to me, you raise your kids like this, you are going to end up being two very disappointed parents! You’ll be like those people in denial: “Where did we go wrong?” You weren’t living on earth, that’s what went wrong. Ah, it’s no use. I’ll be in my room looking at Hustler magazine. I’ll tell you kids what, if your grandma was around I wouldn’t have to be lookin’ at that late at night. (Winks one eye then is off to bed.)
M: Kids, don’t worry, in a couple of two short weeks, your grampa will be out of here, with Uncle Frank.
Ann: But we love Grampa!
Henry: I want to touch a boob.