Guys Not to Facebook Friend

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Friends! You gotta have friends! Song lyrics do not lie. As an enthusiastic member of the forever-expanding Facebook cyber community, you undoubtedly receive numerous, if not hundreds (or thousands if you have a super sexy photo) of friend requests.

Frankly, some of these may come from unseemly guys or nefarious dudes who are merely trolling FB for babe pics to add to their (shall we be generous) inappropriate photo collections. As the famous New Yorker cartoon by Peter Steiner says: “On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.” True, but there are clues, honey. Listen for the “Woof!”

Happily, it is oh so easy to discourage certain guys with the resounding click of “Ignore.” Here are my top dozen guys not to friend on Facebook, what are yours?

  1. He is posed proudly in his profile photo wearing a neck brace, a “Star Trek Is My Life” T-ball cap—and no shirt or pants on.
  2. He is smiling creepily in his pic with his unduly hairy, excessively tattooed, burly arms clasped lustfully around his a) many motorcycles b) five teenage wives c) pregnant sister d) machine gun e) camel. 
  3. His photo is a mug shot—an official one. It’s nasty ugly, is embossed with a multitude of unlucky numbers, and the fine print reads “Maximum Security.”
  4. He lists among his activities and interests: graffiti, taxidermy, farting, yak farming, and stalking.
  5. He claims his favorite TV shows are The View, Oprah!, Rachael Ray, and Kathy Griffin’s Life On The D-List. (Fat chance girlfriend!)
  6. His FB friends are exclusively attractive women who look amazingly and eerily similar to you. (This is no coincidence.)
  7. Under “My Quotations” he lists one by “philosopher and feminist” Pamela Anderson, and one by “ladies man” Ted Bundy.
  8. Under “Religion” he proclaims he found God during his first alien abduction.
  9. He’s a haggard old geezer, older than your grandfather.
  10. He is your grandfather.
  11. He spells his name in pig Latin, or he uses a name that is only initials, i.e. “B.J.”
  12. He “Likes” the Charles Manson fan page.


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