The Honey Bucket

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Let’s evaluate a word y’all mighten hear in the south, honey bucket. I can assure ya, it has absolutely nothing to do with honey. Actually, it is quite the opposite. In the old days, or last night, dependin’ on yer view and location, honey buckets were used when it was too cold or wet for a quick run to the outhouse. Also, those folks that were sick, pregnant women, or others physically wore down used them.   Well, I’ve talked around the thang long ‘nough, so what is it?

If ya think of it as a crude and smelly portable toilet, yer almost correct. The thang is, most honey buckets these days are large cans or bucket that a person uses fer bodily functions. Now, in the real olden days, let’s say a hunnert years ago, they had ‘em real fancy honeybuckts. Often they had pic-shures of an enemy in ‘em. Let’s say y’all are British (heaven forbid) ya might have had one in the olden days of that Nee-poll-lee-in feller in it. So, each time you peed, old Nee-poll-lee-in got him self a face full.

Sounds good, so far, huh? I know, yer ‘maginin’ yer mother-in-law or ex-wife’s pic-shure on that thang, right?

Well, nonetheless, I can assure y’all they do stink…and that is if it is only used fer nummer one. Iffen you use it fer nummer two, Nadine hide the cows.   Lordy, a honey bucket can get down right ripe and that is if it is only used over night.   But, per usual, I am getting offa track heah. 

To use a honey bucket, ya gotta have a real sense of good balance, ‘er else you spill the honey, so no drankin’ a-fore ya go. Fer most fellers, doin’ a nummer one, it hain’t that hard, and does it matter if we’re off target a might?   But fer the ladies, well, it is balancin’ time, Lucille. See, ya have to sit on the thang, or get as close as ya can. Thank of the thang as a kind of crude redneck bombsite, complete with target, near as I can compare. Onliest, the key is body positionin’ and proper use of the legs.   Ya must be clearly over the honey bucket prior to release, or it does tend to upset some folks.

Now, there are some social rules associated with the proper and formal use of the honey bucket. Always remember, nummer two is frowned upon and ya are expected to empty the pot immediately after a nummer two and emptying the pot immediately kinda voids its use to start with. I mean, if ya gotta go, and if ya use a honey bucket, then ya have to empty it, why not just use the outhouse? The second rule is ya never, I mean never, fill the bucket up to within one inch of the top. The person that has to empty it, it may very well be ya, in the mornin’ will thank ya. I would prefer to walk through a minefield blindfolded than carry a full honey bucket.

Now, if y’all are visitin’ the south and have to, well, ya know, ya ain’t gonna find no honey bucket within site. Nope, it is there, but our social graces have standards. And, those standards state very clearly that honey buckets are kept outta sight. Relax a bit, it is there, if y’all know where to look. Jus’ look unner the bed or in the closet fer the honey bucket. Both locations are typical fer proper social storage of southern honey buckets and us southerners are real stickers fer social rules and all. That’s why we don’t spit chewin’ tobacco juice on the floor when we go to church. We do have our culture.

So, the next time it is too cold or wet to run to the outhouse, find yer buns (literally heah) a honeybucket. Remember yer balance, no fillin’ within one inch, if ya number two, ya take ‘er out.   So far are y’all following me heah? I’ve tried to go slowly and ‘splain the whole shebang, but I know jus’ as shore as Bubba’s beagle chases parked cars, some of y’all ain’t hear’d none of what I done wrote. But, that’s ok, cause its yer turn in the mornin’ to smell the honey . . . yep, you get to empty the honey bucket. Sleep well now, heah?


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