I have been readin’ Melanie D. Calvert’s articles about redneck men and have a few things to say. Redneck men are a breed all unto their own and we are a man’s man, jus’ ask one of us. Ya’ll will never see no redneck feller worried ‘bout endin’ up on the cover of that QG magazine neither, ‘cause our clothes are proudly bought at Wally’s World and our hair is cut by Frank down at the feed lot. Plus, we don’t care to foller the latest fashion trends ‘er fads, ‘cause we still dress the same way we did durin’ the war between the states.
While bib-overalls are good fer goin’ to town and with a white shirt and tie they’re ‘ceptable ‘nough down South fer church, I don’t like gettin’ dandied up. Ya’ll will usually find me dressed more casually, with a flannel shirt, cowboy hat, jeans with my can of snuff in the right rear pocket or at least a faded ring, and cowboy boots. And, my belt buckle cost almost as much as my truck, over forty dollars. Now, I ain’t sure, by my fashion statement, iffen I be a redneck or a cowboy but it don’t pay no never mind, cause they’re cousin’s to my way of thinkin’ anyways. How-some-ever, my attitude is all redneck.
But, a redneck ain’t identified by his dress, but rather by his attitude. This means, my friends, that rednecks, regardless of what ya might think, ain’t only from the south. Hell, they even got ‘em in countries all over the world. There are Yankee rednecks, German rednecks, English rednecks, African American rednecks, and believe this, Asian rednecks. I once saw me a Asian redneck ridin’ a bicycle with the rear-end of a Datsun pick-em-up truck attached to ‘er and it was filled with chickens. I knew immediately my man was a redneck. See, it’s attitude that makes a gal or feller a redneck, not their clothes.
The redneck attitude is easy to describe and I’ve listed some things below to give y’all an idea of what makes a gen-wine redneck,
- First and most important, ya gotta believe in God and foller the Good Book as closely as ya can. Iffen ya don’t, then ya ain’t no redneck.
- Ya have to love yer dawgs, wife, or girlfriends more than grits, but not necessarily in that order.
- Ya call duct tape, duck tape, and use it daily and in unusual and ingenious ways. This is mandatory to qualify as a redneck.
- WD-40 is considered a God-sent and placed in a place of honor in your livin’ room, usually on the fireplace mantel, right below the mounted deer with horns. If ya don’t have a deer mount, ya can substitute a chicken or mouse mount. Do not place it on your wood stove, it does not like heat much, ask Bubba Lee ‘bout that.
- Ya borrow tools ya need and never buy ‘em. Why spend yer hard earn cash on foolishness, when yer neighbor will loan ya their lawnmower, trimmer, or rake? ‘Sides, it gives ya more beer money.
- Ya never return borrowed tools, unless yer neighbor comes to get them back. Remember, they might forget where the tool went.
- Yer family comes first in your life, right behind God. Heck, some of the best and hottest dates I had in high school came from family.
- Yer attitude ‘bout huntin’ dawg’s is, ya cain’t never have too many.
- Never fix a thing when asked, maybe she’ll forget she asked ya. Warnin’, this heah can be dangerous to yer health, especially if she has a big cast iron skillet like Melanie does.
- Ya always open a door for a woman, especially iffen she’s yer wife and has her hands filled with bags of groceries.
- Why buy something that’s broken, if ya can fix ‘er up like new with duck tape, super glue, of bailin’ wire? Iffen ya cain’t fix it, throw it out in the front yard.
- Ya think lava lamps are the best dog-gone thing ever invented and ya find ‘em sexually stim’latin’.
- Ya never, and I mean never, enter a kitchen when a woman is cookin’, ‘cause they mighten ask ya to he’p.
- When in public, ya always ask any woman ya meet iffen she’d care fer some snuff. And, ya always chew tobacco with yer mouth shut.
- Ya never French-kiss a woman with “chew” in yer mouth. But, iffen ya do, remember, most don’t cotton the various flavors on the market, ‘cept natural or straight.
- Never throw anything away. If required, place it outside, behind the plastic pink flamingos, and next to the three rusting cars ya got.
- Ya never let logic or truth about any subject sway yer opinion. Once formed, yer opinion cain’t never be changed.
- And finally, yer country is always right, even when it’s wrong. God, Family, and Country are yer first loves.
Now, as far as Bubba’s bass boat sinkin’, that was an act of God, like the sinkin’ of the Titanic way back when. And, I think Bubba’s boat was safer than that big boat, ‘cause we didn’t have no loss of life. Now, I’ll admit, there were more than just a few tears over our loss of beer, but we just went out and bought some more. Besides, right now Bubba’s back at the kitchen table designin’ a submarine and I cain’t wait to give ‘er a try. See, rednecks are smarter than most of y’all think, but course we have to be, or we wouldn’t be able to even walk.
One last thing ‘bout rednecks, we love meat. If ya give a redneck the choice between a basket of lobsters or a slab of ‘possum, they’ll take the hairy critter every time. We prefer our meat from a wild critter and not some butcher cut, plastic wrapped, store sold package. We enjoy taking our own meat and processin’ it on our own. But, I gotta warn ya, when we eat, it’s usually with our hands and not with a knife and fork. The last time I went out to eat in public, my cousin was eating with his fork and it shocked me so bad I dropped a handful of mashed taters and gravy.
Well, I wanted to let y’all know what a redneck man is really all ‘bout. I ‘tend to write mo’ on the subject in a couple of days, ‘cause it’s hard to write this on my computer with the electric turned off. Heck fire, I don’t tolt ‘em, the check in the mail.
Art by W.R. Benton