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When I saw them today I realized that the sting of it will not dull.

The nothing I can do about it drives me, with no where to go.

I can not escape the pain.

He will never understand, it cuts so deep.

I feel so attacked, so wounded, still.

Fleeting impulses of blood dripping off my fingertips, screaming “you win.”

A quick blade across the wrist, not just for her, but all the jabs, all the I don’t cares, “don’t love yous”, all the men before him and all the moments of nothingness inside.

My fight for sanity seems so futile.

So I can not be with him and then find something else, new pains, new sorrows.

Can I not escape this?

My strength and weakness fluctuate like day and night.

The hardest ax to bear is the love I have for him, how I wish it could fade.

He does not deserve it. He does not want it. He throws it away.

I know this yet I go forth with hope, ever more listlessly.

The sunlight is so faint at this distance.

I yearn for its light, for the warmth, all that I imagine it to be.

I am a fool.

This will never be.

He is the driver and I am in the trunk.

When ever it pleases him he can pull over and leave me at the side of the road.

And dare I dig my nails in the dirt to pull myself up; he will be there with one foot on my skull, reminding me where I am.

How long can my son look out the window and see this?


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