When I saw them today I realized that the sting of it will not dull.
The nothing I can do about it drives me, with no where to go.
I can not escape the pain.
He will never understand, it cuts so deep.
I feel so attacked, so wounded, still.
Fleeting impulses of blood dripping off my fingertips, screaming “you win.”
A quick blade across the wrist, not just for her, but all the jabs, all the I don’t cares, “don’t love yous”, all the men before him and all the moments of nothingness inside.
My fight for sanity seems so futile.
So I can not be with him and then find something else, new pains, new sorrows.
Can I not escape this?
My strength and weakness fluctuate like day and night.
The hardest ax to bear is the love I have for him, how I wish it could fade.
He does not deserve it. He does not want it. He throws it away.
I know this yet I go forth with hope, ever more listlessly.
The sunlight is so faint at this distance.
I yearn for its light, for the warmth, all that I imagine it to be.
I am a fool.
This will never be.
He is the driver and I am in the trunk.
When ever it pleases him he can pull over and leave me at the side of the road.
And dare I dig my nails in the dirt to pull myself up; he will be there with one foot on my skull, reminding me where I am.
How long can my son look out the window and see this?