More
Close

Mapquest Should Have a “Gonna Suck” Icon

+ enlarge
 

570.73

That’s the distance in miles from Colora, Maryland to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Located there is the resort containing my wonderful in laws and my beautiful step children.

9 Hours, 41 minutes.

That’s the amount of time it’s supposed to take to get there, provided there aren’t extenuating circumstances. Like rock slides covering an entire highway (therefore closing the entire highway), Mack trucks in the fast lane going forty miles an hour. Or silly goose fourteen month olds who are screaming because they’ve been in the car for…shit, what was it? Oh, eleven hours and forty five minutes, because mapquest is a BIG FAT LIAR. After driving through some very interesting Deliverance-like, phantom banjo filled, Silent Hill lookin’ twisty turny nonsense, we arrived.

We then had two of the most wonderful days, filled with all the Christmas card stuff you could ask for. Tiny quaint town with German architecture? Check. Outdoor hot tub and 11.5% alcohol by volume Christmas spiced wine? Check. Sledding down a super pretty hill without another soul out there? Check.

348.31
6 Hours, 26 Minutes

Again, mapquest, you LIE.

That’s the distance and time from Gatlinburg, Tennessee to Clayton, North Carolina. Located there are my husband’s family, the Christmas tree, dinner, and large amount of spirits to be consumed on Christmas eve. Christmas day was beautiful, calm, and quiet (particularly in comparison to the prior evening). The food rocked, there was an amazing mascarpone cheesecake with candied pecans and dulce de leche sauce, and the table was gorgeous.

371.03

The distance from Clayton, North Carolina to Colora, Maryland.

6 Hours, 21 Minutes

Perhaps mapquest should be linked to weather.com, as it rained (literally) our entire drive, and apparently would have continued with us as far as Trenton, New Joisey.
But packed to the gills, suitcases in our laps and a new school Teddy Ruxpin teetering precariously over the youngest, we made the drive in six hours.

Jesus may be the reason for the season, but this year, Exxon made it happen.

Happy Holidays!

Comments

Loading comments...