My Rules

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Sometimes you just have to make up your own rules to get you through the day. These are things I believe to be true, even though I’m fairly sure I invented them:

1. A screwdriver will cure any ailment you may have. Alcohol kills germs; orange juice has vitamin C which boosts the immune system. And in my “clinical studies” (a.k.a. getting drunk while playing games online) it always seems to work. Whether it’s a stomach bug or allergies, my home remedy always makes me feel better.

2. Secrets are bad. They just cause anxiety. I believe in not doing things you’ll be ashamed of, and if you are ashamed of something you did, your punishment is everyone knowing about it. And if you don’t want everyone to know about something, do not tell me. It’ll be on twitter if you do.

3. My life will not be better if my thighs are smaller. In fact, the sacrifices I’d have to make in order for that to happen would make it much less fun. Being skinnier won’t make people nicer to me, it won’t cause my boss to give me a raise, and it certainly won’t give me any special powers. I choose McNuggets, Family Guy, and a jiggly butt over self-deprivation in pursuit of a more “ideal” body any day.

4. Everything’s okay in moderation, even overindulgence. 

5. People with no siblings are weird. I have never met an only child who wasn’t a little “off.”

6. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If they insist on treating you badly, kick them swiftly in the shins.

7. Guys don’t understand subtlety. Either spell it out or use that oblivious nature to manipulate them for their own good. Don’t play games, though. There’s a difference.

8. Quit while you’re ahead. And on that note …


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