Navel-Gazing: We’re, Like, Really Pretty
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Renae: Because of my extreme prettiness, men always open the door for me, and as a result my upper body strength is withering away. I’m like a feather. I can barely lift my fork to eat—I’ll probably starve.
Amy: Diamonds. So many diamonds! The guilt over the African children who have suffered for my bejeweled hands is crippling.
Allison: I started volunteering with a charity, and when I collected donations, I made so much money that we actually solved the problem that the charity was battling! Now the charity’s fifty full-time employees are out of a job. Ugh, it sucks to be me!
Renae: I am still exhausted from all the proms and homecomings I went to in high school. I might never recuperate.
Amy: It’s amazing my eyes have not burned up from all the flash photography. Not to mention, that my soul is gone. Gone!
Lamar: I’m so pretty that every morning when I get my coffee at Starbucks, people line up out the door just to get a glimpse of me.
Renae: Men are constantly volunteering to pay my bills, so I rarely have to pay for anything. Because of this, I have amassed great wealth and have inadvertently joined the 1 percent; now poor people hate me.
Amy: Men are constantly buying me drinks. I’m just drunk all the time.
Renae: They had to give me my own office at work to ensure that my coworkers couldn’t see my distractingly beautiful face. Otherwise nobody would get work done and the company would go bankrupt. Not to mention the workplace riots that would ensue. But the privacy is suffocating.
Amy: I need to register for Valentine’s Day gifts every year. Do you even know how many heart-shaped pendants are cluttering my jewelry box?! Related Stories: "Is Samantha Brick in on the Joke?":http://www.divinecaroline.com/49804/126791-samantha-brick-joke "I’m Single Because: Tweeters Share Their Reasons":http://www.divinecaroline.com/24138/126733—i-m-single-because-tweeters-share#0 "Navel-Gazing: Why Are Mermaids Sexy?":http://www.divinecaroline.com/22323/123960-navel-gazing-mermaids-sexy#0