Popsicle Bandit by Dr. Philbilly

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Popsicle Bandit
Last week I was on my way home from work when I stopped by the store to pick up a few things. While I was there I couldn’t resist the urge to get some popsicles. It was between a box of fruit pops and fudge bars so I just got both.
I got in my car and it just wasn’t acting right. It would crank and die, crank and die. Then all of a sudden it cranked up and down the road I went. About half way home the hunk of junk died on me again, so I pulled over on side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I kept trying to crank it but it just kept on dying on me. It’s hot, I’m tired and a perfect time to throw a good fit. But right before I had my nervous jerk down I looked over and saw my grocery bag. Craaap! My popsicles are going to melt. Well, I can’t let them go to waste right? So I started eating them while I let my car sit for a minute.
I keep trying to crank in between popsicles and it keeps on dying so I just keep eating. I’m not gonna let my ice cream melt. I had downed about three fudge bars and had just opened fruit pop number nine when I noticed this car slowing down in my rear view mirror. Finally! Someone is stopping to check on me.
I hurried and finished the fruit pop I was working on when they pulled up beside me and rolled down their woindow. A lady was driving and a man was in the driver seat.
“Hey man. You need some help?”
Now the proper response would have been “Yes I do. Thank you very much. My car won’t crank but I’m only a few miles from home. Think you can give me a lift?”
But noooo! What happened was this: I ate that last fruit pop so fast that when he asked me if I was okay, I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers and yelled “BRAIN FREEZE! CRAAAAP THAT HURTS! OH MY GOD I THINK MY HEAD IS FREEZER BURNT! SON OF A B . . . !!!”
When I looked up they were already a half mile down the road taking a curve on two wheels. Then I realized the hard way what is in a fruit pop. That would be “fruit.” All of a sudden I really need to get home real quick like and in a hurry. I’m turning the key and praying, “Please crank, please crank. OMG PLEASE CRANK!!!”
Then vrooom, it cranked right up. I stomped the gas and took off like a bird with its tail on fire. About three miles down the road I was coming up behind this car. It was the same dad gum car that had stopped to see if I needed help. They must have noticed it was me and thought I was after them ’cause I was gaining on them pretty fast. They stomped the gas and took the next left on the two wheels. I could see the guy waving his arms at his wife, “GO! GO! GO!!!”
I sure hope there’s not a warrant out for my arrest. “The Popsicle Bandit.”

I’m just sayin’.


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