If you listen to NPR or read the Enquirer, you’ve heard the stunning news: Judgment Day is nigh. In what may be the understatement of the millennium (sorry, last 6,000 years), twenty-seven-year-old Adrienne Martinez of Orlando said of the fast-approaching date with destiny, “Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans.” You are so right, Adrienne (and by the way, modifying “plans” with “future” is unnecessary, but who cares now). Suddenly I’ve got a ton of stuff to get done. Damn it! Here’s my new to-do list:
1. Baptize the cat.
2. Retrieve mortgage check and divert the money into roman orgy of a weekend in Vegas.
3. Take out a payday loan.
4. Inform non-believers that I’ve signed up for that September ironman ‘cause I’m just that hard core.
5. Eat twenty-five chocolate cheesecakes while on the phone bragging about sick training regimen (see #4).
6. Write the cover letter I’ve always wanted to write (not suitable for reprint here).
7. Go to IKEA on a Saturday afternoon (hopefully people with children will be at home praying for their souls).
8. Take up barefoot running.
9. Emit as many greenhouse gases as possible. What’s global warming compared with hellfire?