It’s time again for humans to try to change the natural cycle of days and nights. What a fun game it is. Of course, it totally fucks with our internal waking and sleeping cycles, but what the hell, let’s mandate changing the clocks. God laughs. She laughs as we try to figure out whether to fall bac’ or spring forward. She guffaws when we say, “Okay, now if it’s 7:00 a.m., it’s really 6:00 a.m., or if it’s 6:00 a.m., it’s really 7:00 a.m.?”
Not to mention what it does to our pets. They have routines. They like their routines and do not want you to change them. They feel as if, when it is time to eat, that very minute is sacrosanct. To the second. So, if they now have to wait an additional hour, it’s not pretty. They will scratch your furniture, harm each other in an attempt to get your attention, and then look at you as if to say, “If you do not feed me, I will die within the next sixty minutes. My body cannot survive. Look at me! I have to have my dinner, and I mean RIGHT NOW! Fuck the clock. What is that thing anyway?”
I’m all for saving daylight, because I prefer daylight to darkness, especially at 5:00 p.m.. There is an expression, “burnin’ daylight,” which, I think, came from a ranch foreman who, when trying to roust his cowboy hands early in the morn, screamed, “Get up you lazy-ass, good-for-nothing, tin horns … you’re burnin’ daylight, and there’s work to do … Cowboy up!” But, “saving daylight?” How does one do that? We’ve been allotted natural cycles of the passing of the sun, and as one with control issues, I understand the premise of wanting to manipulate daylight, but jeez, there are so many other really controllable issues, aren’t there? Seriously?
There will be people out of sorts for months because of this folly. Be careful. Watch out for these people. They’re angry because they’re missing an extra hour of sleep, or is it that they’re getting an extra hour of sleep? I get confused.
Fall forward … huh? That reminds me of the time I tripped on a pebble in an underground parking lot in Glendale. I landed on my hands and jammed my wrists into my elbows. Have you ever done that? You get dirt and gravel stuck in your palms, your whole system is shocked, and the only thing you’re really worried about is if anybody saw you. What was I talking about …
Oh, yeah, fall forward. That reminds me of “I before E except after C.” That never made any sense to me either. Where does the line start? If your name is after C, then that means the line goes from left to right if you are looking at it from across the street. But what if the line goes from right to left? Then the C is at the front but the I or the E is after it. That’s fucked up.
Fall forward. That means the clock, right? So that means you turn the clock to 1:00 a.m. if it’s midnight. So, if you wake up at 8:00 a.m., as I am want to do, then for the first few days you are really waking up at 7:00 a.m. That’s before you are acclimated and begin to really wake up at 8:00 a.m. in your mind. So … if it’s 6:00 p.m. the first night, then it’s really only 5:00 p.m. … is that right? Then why is it dark at an earlier time? It wasn’t dark at 5:00 p.m. yesterday. This is so confusing. This is so wrong for dyslexic people.
Don’t even try to explain any of this madness to me because I don’t give a shit. As long as the sun comes up, the creek don’t rise, and Tito’s keeps making great vodka, I can survive without everybody else’s manipulations of language and time management.
I need my martini. What time is it?