How did I get here? How did I end up married to a man who watches slasher films and collects action figures? Before you laugh and scoff, know this: there are grown men who are paying $600 and more for superheroes on Ebay. Yes, it’s true.
In the spirit of trying to “support his hobby,” which he told me was “essential” if our marriage was going to work, I even went online and bought him a couple of toys. Of course, he being the sentimental guy he is, he sold them and made a nice hefty profit. If I had known he would do that, I would have bought myself a new shirt, or had my nails done a few times or taken one of my parents to dinner or bought new shoes for my children. Instead I purchased something called AVP 2 and when I asked him about the head of the alien creature ( it’s a giant penis laying sideways), he went on and on about the merits of the artist who sculpted it, how famous he is and how uber-brilliant. Okay. It’s a plastic monster with a penis for a head. And it cost me just under $200, which he said “was a steal.”
We have kids who need braces but somehow it was more important to him to spend all his reserve cash ( read: “his” reserve cash because I never saw a dime of it ) on fulfilling his childhood fantasy of having a grotesque toy collection that would put Toys R Us to shame. In fact, the day after he moved out, a nice big Toys R Us box arrived. Of course. He didn’t buy me anything for Christmas, but he was sure to order the next Christian Bale look-a-like in sprayed on pants.He used to say, “Hey, at least I’m not in the bars. I’m just here at home after working all day and playing with my action figures.” Something sounds really really strange about that.
Yes, I’m grateful he’s not in the bars cruising for chicks while his children and I are at home doing the homework, dinner, housework, yard work, thrill-a-minute that is my life. While he’s “working,” I’m here with the kids just living it up. But somewhere between a married man scoping out the bar scene and playing with action figures is where I’d like to find myself. It was like being married to George Lucas without the money and the cool ranch and the awards.
Just goes to show you ladies, your Mama was right. You never know someone until you’re married to them. Or until you find their Batman Begins movie collection, toy collection, Web site, Ebay account …