As I was flipping through the TV channels at 3 a.m, I saw it! Yes, I didn’t believe it was possible but there it was staring me in the face. At first, I thought it was the brandy that I drank a few hours before coming back to haunt me, but no, it was real. Finally, there is a new product that will bring the Snuggie to its knees.
Yes, in an effort to outdo and update the Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves that millions of suckers bought and thought was just grand, some inventor has come up with a Snuggie that you step into. And while this TV commercial goes on about the revolutionary design of this new product, I had to think to myself (again, it could have been the brandy): Isn’t this just adult feetie pajamas minus the feeties?
If you have not seen it yet, the zip-up loungewear or the Forever Lazy will be coming to your late-night and Sunday TV airwaves soon. This “new” cuddly outfit boasts a thick fuzzy, coat—or the technical term—polar fleece. You step into it and zip it up, and you will be warm and toasty throughout all activities, and you don’t even have to unzip and step out of it when nature beckons. No, the Forever Lazy comes with “zippered hatches in front and back, for great escapes when duty calls.”
That is the best copywriting I have ever seen. Have we become that lazy a society that we can’t pull down our pants to use the potty anymore? The other advantage that this product has over the Snuggie is its claim that you can wear it anywhere. Yes, you can wear it to picnics, camping, and my absolute favorite—tailgating because nothing goes better in the stadium parking lot port-o-potties than a fleece suit with a flap in the back for when you need to squat.
I know I am being harsh and close minded about this product, especially when the commercials show this party of about ten adults, all donned in their Forever Lazy attire, having fun singing and dancing at a tailgate. When I see this commercial, I think: First, I am willing to bet these people were never the cool kids in high school. Secondly, I live in Philly. I can’t imagine the abuse I would take if I went tailgating to an Eagles’ game in adult pajamas with a back flap. It wouldn’t matter which of the three attractive Forever Lazy colors I chose, I would still get beaten up.
It’s ridiculous. I am sorry. This is not an adult product. After age twelve, you don’t wear pajamas outside the house unless you are looking for that forty-eight-hour observation period at the local psychiatric hospital. And I am being generous in my age limit. By age twelve, if you are going somewhere where it’s going to be cold, you put on warm clothes. You don’t hang out in your pajamas with a flap. And I am going to stick up for the Snuggie here, and I swore I would never do that, but at least the Snuggie goes over your clothes. It doesn’t become your clothes. I think the Forever Lazy is your clothes. Well, guys could wear their jeans underneath because the front flap would lead to the zipper which leads to their—well, you know—but it’s a bit more complicated for a woman. If a woman is wearing clothes underneath the Forever Lazy, the back flap does nothing. The pants still have to come down, so I assume that the creators of this product want us to wear this pajama outfit as a bona fide-wear-it-in-public ensemble?
I know it comes in pink black and blue or some choice like that. And they say that one of these colors will satisfy everyone. Well, I don’t care what color I choose, I can’t imagine it being an attractive look. It’s baggy and it has a flap. Just wearing an outfit with a flap sends out the wrong message. It doesn’t say “I like to be cozy.” No, it says, “I have a flap, and I will use it.” Is that really what you want people to think about you? Is this a good date outfit? Hm. Maybe on the date thing, it is. It is easy access. I will have to research that.
I know that the Forever Lazy will be a hit because the Snuggie was. I was amazed at the Snuggie’s rise in popularity because to be honest, it’s nothing more than a backward robe. But, the Forever Lazy will also gain momentum and then, like the Snuggie and its successful copycats, it will be offered in professional and college team colors.
Get ready for the Forever Lazy explosion. One day, as you watch your favorite football team on TV, you will look at the crowd and no longer see fans wearing their favorite players’ jerseys. No, you will see a sea of people in Forever Lazy attire enjoying their beer and their easy escape flaps. I don’t know, but something is really wrong with that picture.