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Sunday Confessional: Fantasy Husband League

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Fall is my favorite season and I welcome it with open arms except for one minor detail. Fall is football season and, more specifically, Fantasy Football season. Every Sunday my TV has a game on and my computer screen is cluttered with several open windows that are urgently tracking the nuances of my husband’s fantasy teams. I think women should have their own fantasy draft, a “Fantasy Husband League.” We pick celebrities to serve as our own all-star husband team. These husbands fill different household roles and earn points on a weekly basis dependent on source data from TMZ, People magazine, and our friends over at Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight.

Cute is important for points but the way your fantasy husband earns points for your team is how he behaves in real life. For example, Brad Pitt would be a number one draft pick … loves kids, active participant in co-parenting, seems to dress himself well, humanitarian, etc.

Your fantasy husband team can lose points by screwing up in real life. If, for example, your fantasy husband gets arrested/solicitation (Hugh Grant), DUI (Mel Gibson), changes girlfriends too frequently (John Mayer), gets all crazy … (Do I have to spell it out for you? Tom—couch jumping, anyone? Religion based on a science-fiction novel ….)

The teams need to have degrading/snappy names like the “Tennessee Tight ’Uns,” “The Tool Box,” “Seattle Sea Cocks,” “Chicago Bares” … you get the idea.

So here is my Fantasy Husband Team (“Mommy’s Victorious Secret”):

1. Tight End (number one pick—bedroom): Mark Wahlberg
2. Child Care: Patrick Dempsey (back up: Jim Carrey)
3. Landscaping: Dennis Quaid
4. Cooking: Chef Ross Burden
5. Cleaning: George Clooney
6. Handy Man: Carter Oosterhouse from HGTV
7. Breadwinner: Mr. Big from Sex in the City
8. Physical Education: Jason Taylor (I’ll play “shirts” he can be “skins”)
9. Dance Partner: Justin Timberlake
10. Flex Position (all-purpose reserve player): Eric Dane (Mc Steamy from Grey’s Anatomy)
11. Rookie (too young to be legal yet but worth the wait): Prince William and/or the college kid who makes my salads at Pot Belly.
12. Stylist: Rene Fris (Shear Genius)

Notice: Unlike Fantasy Football, where when you pick a dud, you’re stuck with them, in the Fantasy Husband League, you can drop and add whenever you want to—after all, it is a fantasy. A girl can dream, can’t she?

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