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Ten Truly Lame Valentine’s Day Suggestions from the Web

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I’m a sucker for gift-giving holidays, but you’ll never find me trying to pick out the stuffed animal or heart-adorned mug that best exemplifies my love. Instead, I’m on the lookout for ideas beyond cheap chocolate and Cupid-themed boxers. This year, I did some online sleuthing to find a uniquely perfect present for my special someone. But now that I’ve seen what some Web sites suggest, Russell Stover and silly boxers don’t seem half-bad.

1. Scrabble
Cosmo says: “Put a naughty twist on this crossword game by playing only suggestive words, or turn it into a game of strip-Scrabble.” (From “Valentine’s Day Gifts Under $20 for Guys and Girls.”)

I say: If you need Scrabble to spice up your sex life, that’s a problem even Valentine’s Day can’t fix.

2. Beer Glasses
Glamour says: “Would your man like these beer glasses? What about your dads, guy friends, or goofy little brothers?” (From the “Smitten” blog.)

I say: I’m guessing none of the men in my life, even the “goofy” ones, want to think of urine while enjoying a beverage.

3. Dog Treats says: “When you’ve first met a girl, you’re unlikely to know her likes, dislikes, and diet restrictions. You always, however, know what kind of treats her dog … will appreciate.” (From “Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.”)

I say: Why do you know more about your girlfriend’s dog than you do about your actual girlfriend? Better yet, why are you trying to woo him instead of her?

4. Costco Samples says: “[If] you’re a member of a wholesale club (like Sam’s or Costco), have fun eating all the free samples! Then fill in any empty holes left in your stomach by going out to lunch.” (From “50 Cheap Valentine’s Day Gifts for Your Sweetheart (Without Looking Cheap).”)

I say: Nothing says romance like someone rolling a shopping cart over your foot as your beloved pushes through the crowd for Bagel Bites. (PS: You do look cheap.) Photo source: basykes (cc)

5. Tools
Seventeen says: “Guys like useful gifts. Things like fifteen-in-one screwdrivers, duct tape, and towropes are always good ideas.

I say: Considering that a lot of people give lingerie, massage oil, and other sexy-time-related things on Valentine’s Day, this gift has the potential to be confusing at best and alarming at worst.
6. A Heartfelt Workout Mix says: “Surprise your sweetheart by uploading a new workout mix to his or her iPod.”

I say: “Babe, I don’t think you’re sweatin’ it out enough at the gym. But don’t worry, this mix’ll get you pumped and looking hot again!”

7. A Trip to the Bookstore says: “Do you live near a book store … ? One of the things I love about [them] is that you can go in and read to your heart’s content. Why not go in with your ‘honey’ and read Love Poems to each other?” (From “More Frugal Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas.”)

I say: Who doesn’t feel all lovey-dovey within the fluorescent-lit, claustrophobic aisles of Borders? Oh, right—normal people. Photo source: quaziefoto (cc)

8. Selling Yourself on eBay
Cosmo says: “Create a listing on for your love and let your sweetie win the auction. (From “Wacky Ways to Show Your Love Online.”)

I say: What happens if someone else wins the auction?!

9. An Appropriate Gift … for Father’s Day says: “For my husband, I would find ‘Daddy’ poems and either print them word for word … or adapt it to make it appropriate for him.” (From “Frugal Valentine Gift Ideas.”)

I say: The gift that says it all—namely, that the sexual energy has drained completely from this relationship.

10. Lovopoly Game
CosmoGirl! says: “Board game fans will love this customized version of the old classic! Fill out the form with your favorite places, dream vacations, and past date locations, upload some photos of the two of you, and your game will be created!” (From “Valentine’s Day Gift Guide.”)

I say: Wow, a gift idea that’s worse than playing strip-Scrabble, plus extra points for extreme narcissism. Well done, CosmoGirl!.

I had no idea there was such bafflingly bad advice out there. But I guess it’s good to know that if you need a relationship-ending gift, the Internet’s clearly got you covered!


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