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Thank God for the Scenery: “The Bachelor” Takes Switzerland

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This week on The Bachelor, Ben and his three bridal prospects venture to Interlaken, Switzerland, to frolic among the country’s verdant goat-covered terrain. Playing the role of ambassador to the hilt (seriously, Ben’s moppy-haired mug is the image that greets you when you visit Switzerland’s official tourism website right now), the country’s favorite bland winemaker takes his love interests on a whirlwind tour that only those funded by ABC could afford. Join us as we tromp through the breathtaking country with Ben and his three girlfriends and recall the highs, the lows, and everything in between from last night’s episode.
Nicki and Ben Go Mountain-Hopping

On the first date, Ben and Nicki are swooped up by their ever-faithful mode of transportation, a helicopter, and whisked away through the cascading snow-covered mountains. The views are spectacular. Seriously, it’s so pretty. Even Ben’s middle part can’t ruin the scenery. The helicopter deposits the couple on a mountain top where they set up a picnic. We expect the cast from The Sound of Music to stroll by in the background, but all we see are the extraordinary views and cute little mountain goats running amok. The helicopter picks them up only to drop them off five minutes later on yet another mountain top for no other reason than to allow Nicki to dramatically insert the contractual cheesy metaphor: “Standing on top of this mountain with Ben, the view goes on forever, which can be compared to our future together. Yet there’s always the cliff there that you could fall off of, which could be compared to our relationship possibly ending abruptly, and soon.”
Lindzi and Ben Get Upstaged by Sheep

On the second date, Lindzi shows up in an ill-prepared outfit and is promptly told that they will be rappelling three hundred feet into a gorge. Why does the girl that’s scared of heights always get stuck with these adrenaline-pumping dates? Maybe Ben is secretly hoping that her rope will snap and his choice of who to cast off will be made for him. For a boring five minutes, they slowly creep down the cliff, centimeter by centimeter. We are more interested in the cute little black lambs in the background. Can we just spend the rest of the unnecessary two-hour time slot watching the precious animals frolic about with their mama sheep in the field? When you would rather be watching a show on Animal Planet, you know this episode pretty much sucks.
Courtney and Ben Play an Exhilarating Game

On the third date, Ben and his beloved Courtney board a RailEurope train and set off for a scenic trip along the absurdly gorgeous waterfalls of the Lauterbrunnen Valley up to the village of Wengen. Courtney makes comments about how very Swiss it is of them to take a train. They arrive at their destination and spend the day shopping for goodies for a picnic. After gathering their fare, they spread out a blanket in a beautiful cow-infested meadow. After bantering about Courtney’s drama with the girls in the house, Ben lightens the mood by introducing her to a family game called “Hey Cow!” The rules are fairly simple. All you do is yell, “Hey cow!” and whoever gets a cow to turn around first wins. With the mental capacities of two-year-olds, we’re starting to think that maybe these two do deserve each other after all.
Chris Harrison Encourages Premarital Sex

This episode is particularly monumental as each date ends with the option of engaging in premarital sex on national television via the much-hyped fantasy suite. Each woman reads off a card signed by Chris Harrison that explains that they can forgo their individual rooms to spend an intimate night together. Is it weird to anyone else that Chris Harrison gives them permission to have sex? Anyway, all three girls are DTF. Thankfully, all we get to see are shots of the couples making out on fur rugs next to roaring fires before Ben slams the door in the camera guy’s face.

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