This story contains mature or explicit content.
Of course, I’m not comparing myself to Farrah of long ago … but she is a Texas woman … so was Ann Richards and talk about big hair!
We Texas women just live bigger. The spaces we were brought up in were bigger, especially west Texas, which is all space all the time anywhere you look … space. We lie bigger, we brag bigger, we tell bigger stories, sometimes we ARE bigger, and we’re lauded and praised the world over. The title of this essay, “Them Texas Women is Texas Gold,” comes from the song, “Northeast Texas Women,” by Willis Alan Ramsey, a true eccentric who only made one album back in the seventies that happens to be one of the best albums ever!
I have a woman friend who now runs the central Texas ranch that her Daddy left her when he died. That’s how some Texas women grow the balls they’ve got; they inherit them and always wanted to grow up to be just like their Daddys instead of their Mothers. My friend, Suzanne, wakes up before dawn and goes out with a blowtorch and sets cactus on fire to clear the land of it. She’s wearing her hand-tooled boots with her ranch logo on them, and the tops are pink. She puts a ’kerchief around her neck that rests there with her gigantic diamond necklace … to soak up the sweat. Her thick leatherwork gloves hide another enormous diamond wedding ring and gold bracelet. From under her cowboy hat flows her brunette locks and a pair of diamond stud earrings that make you squint your eyes in the sun.
We shoot too, Texas women. I bought my gun to protect my family, and the first question my shooting instructor asked was whether we could point a gun at somebody and shoot them. My response was, “If that person was after my family in any way, damn skippy.” My friend, Pam, and I go target shooting every so often to hone our skills, but my ranch woman friend shoots things just because she can … snakes, armadillos, varmints in her garden … and she has a rifle, so you just don’t want to make any of us mad.
Then, we dab some Chanel #5 between our breasts, get dressed up, and go to a swanky party for the Governor or President or whomever we think it might be fun to poke fun at. We don’t double dip at the buffet table, but we’ll smoke a cigar with the men’s after dinner. We like Lone Star beer and Dom Perignon champagne, and we can waltz at a honky tonk or a ball. Texas women love with a dangerous passion and hate the same way. We’re proud and bold and want to “handle” everything.
I’m so proud to be a Texas woman, and wish you all could be. I know I’ve made you expatriot Texas women want to go to your windows, throw them open and yell, “I AM A YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS.” I double-dawg dare you!
It’s like in the song, I wanna go home with the armadillo … the friendliest people and the prettiest women you’ve ever seen. It’s true, Texas women are the prettiest, fanciest, loudest, ballsiest women in the world. We’ll tell our men to go straight to hell and fuck off and die, and then give him a bj that’ll make him ours forever. All men love us because with us you never know what to expect. We like to get dressed up all foofoo and then ruin our dress by jumping in the fountain. We love to eat caviar and we play frisbee with dried-out road-kill. We love you honey like you have never been loved before, but if you rile us you are in for a stream of profanities that would embarrass a Hell’s Angel. Most of us make really good macaroni and cheese. But that’s about all. You don’t care, though, because we will go get the pizza while you watch the game and we won’t forget the Bud and the Blue Belle Texas Peach Ice Cream.
We are ladies and expect to be treated as such. We like it when a man opens the door for us and tips his ten-gallon hat. Well, they don’t wear those anymore but you know what I mean. We like strong men who kill things … fish, deer … bugs in the bathtub. We love them because they are brave and manly but they are afraid of us. They know that if we put our hand on our hip and say, “Shut the fuck up and listen to what I have to say,” they are in deep shit and had better sit down and be quiet. We will kick their ass and they know it and then we will give them a kiss and King’s Ranch Casserole that will knock their dick in the dirt. They will kill for us because they know we will kill for them.
As I have said before, all Texas women have red toenails. We pride ourselves on our taste in sandals, jean jackets, and bedside tables. We laugh at anything and tell good stories. We love to love and love to hate so be careful,