Thirteen (Desperate) Steps Women Can Take to Survive This Economy

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Warning: Must be open to anything. This article reads “desperate” for a reason.

As a single (and ready to mingle), well-groomed, and with a decent sense of style and good head (of hair) on her shoulders type of woman, I’m still wondering when and how this damn economy is going to shape up. But because the recession hasn’t quite restored itself just yet, and because now whatever (little) extra spending we had must go to sentimental things such as Christmas gifts, I figured I should compile a handy list for any other attractive young women out there like myself on the little things we can do to get by.

1. Go On Dates. Lots of Them.
This might subject you to say yes to most guys you might not normally say yes to, but hey, do you really want another night of Lean Cuisine? Also note that this is not the same as “gold-digging,” unless you really do take cash or some fancy handbag at the end of the date (then that would be sort of like prostitution) but this is just an easy way to brighten up your day while also casually ignoring the check to your awesome, just eaten, great tasting meal. Chivalry existed for a reason you know, and it was for when the economy got too tough for us to assert our womanity. Hell, if you really don’t like the guy, take only few bites out of it, then take the rest home as left-overs for the rest of the week. What? Text him “Thank You” later, and you can totally still be friends … on Facebook.

2. Sell Your Eggs
Look, you ain’t getting any younger. And eventually there will be a day when your eggs won’t even fit the qualifications for that handsome price tag found on Craigslist (or the Penny Saver). Luckily, there’s a huge demand coming from the desperate but rich woman out there seeking baby mamas, so maybe you should do them the simple service of offering something you weren’t about to use anyway. Unless you know, you’re extremely conscientious or something, which then I wonder why are you even reading this?

3. Sell Your Underwear on EBay
Yes, it’s pretty common cause there’s even a freaking guide that tells you how to do it. And apparently the buyers are sick pervs who are more into who wore the underwear first than whether this underwear was in some bargain bin buy at Marshalls or TJ Maxx. Yes you might feel a bit dirty after this whole ordeal, but if it was up to selling used underwear to strangers or starving yourself of the fine privileges of Black Friday shopping, which would you choose?

4. Be a Mystery Shopper
Somehow there’s always a need for things like this and the best part is “they say” you won’t have to pay for the items purchased, you just have to act like the shopaholic you are and take note of when the sales rep goes loony or undeserving of her commission. During this season? That ought to be plenty.

5. Become Research Subjects, Like Clinical Depression Trials
There’s always a study or a research somewhere, heck even a focus group, so if you are already feeling a bit depressed, suffer from insomnia, or really just want to give back your full honest opinion, then here’s a quick way to make an extra buck or two. I advise in not taking any serious drugs that can affect your, err … health.

6.Marry Someone Else Who Is Desperate
Umm, found a guy who needs a green card? Want to do him a small service for a couple of bucks and no self-respect for marriage afterward? Sure, go for it! You can make whatever he pays and can probably get a good Vegas wedding chapel story out of it too.

7. Shop Now, Return, and Refund Later
This is a very humiliating move, but desperate times calls for ghetto measures. But get with the facts: You just can’t afford a new dress right now! There’s also sites such as that allows you to pay a small rental fee and they’ll ship it to your porch and you ship it back to them Netflix style. Sounds like a better option than raking up endless credit card bills.

8. Volunteer to be a Hair Model or Cosmetology Student Victim … errr, Subject
This is about putting that beautiful head of hair yours to a good, monetary, and educationally enriching use. Just remember though: It’ll grow back!

9. Steal Jobs from Sixteen-Year-Olds
You see your neighbor mowing the lawn, and you’re like, I can do that. You see a pack of high schoolers washing cars in their driveway, you’re like, you can do that. You see some heavily made up little girl at the mall selling accessories or a milkshake, you’re like, you can do that. If times are tough, then it’s about time to pick up the slack and become the experienced and wiser competition to the younger generation of job seekers.


10. For Pet-Owners: Train Your Dog to Beg For Food
Your cute Pomeranian that sticks out of your matching handbag shouldn’t require much food anyway, but if you have somewhat of a full-size four-legged pal, then I suggest dress him up in his finest doggy gear and get to learning some new tricks! Plus, make friends with other fellow pet-owners. Doggy play days are the best for stocking up on free goodies.

11. Stock Up On Extra Condiments at Restaurants

I’m not just talking ketchup packets, I’m talking napkins, sugar, cream, jam, anything and everything you can get as a free add-on to your sides—ask for it! And then stuff it in your purse! Don’t be too desperate to take the salt and pepper shakers though, they’ll know that’s missing.

12. Wash Your Car at the Gas Station
You used to love watching Alejandro and his two brothers give your ride a wax job, but now let’s get real: you need to just slap on some soap in a car-wash quickie and be done with it.

13. Inconveniently Go Missing One week Prior to Xmas, Parties, Etc.
Now this is for the last-minute desperate divas who just didn’t prepare themselves far in advance enough so the last and ultimate game plan to not spending money this holiday season is to simply be a flake. You’re busy reading up on how to save money, you’re becoming uninspired to wear the same dress out again, and quite honestly you just don’t have cab money. Alas, bow out gracefully and find some mysterious catastrophe that you just can’t make it.

Originally published on SmakNews


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