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The Twenty Most Hilarious Women Right Now

Despite the fact that Liz Lemon, Leslie Knope, and Sue Sylvester are what make primetime TV worth watching right now, and that Bridesmaids surpassed Knocked Up and Superbad to become the top-grossing Judd Apatow movie of all time, there still seems to be some debate about whether women are funny. The point was most fiercely argued by Christopher Hitchens back in 2007 in his article, “Why Women Aren’t Funny,” and since then, researchers and cultural theorists have poured entirely too much energy into determining whether women have funny bones. We’d like to clear it up for everybody right now: the answer is yes. Women do indeed have funny bones and they are just as big (sometimes bigger) than men’s. In honor of this anatomical discovery, we’d like to offer up a collection of the most memorable lines from twenty of today’s reigning comedy queens. Enjoy! Related stories: Celebs’ Best Career Advice for Women Hey Girl, Know Your Ryan Gosling Memes Seven Studies That Confirm Stuff We Already Know
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  • Kristen Wiig

    “I have an announcement, too: there is a colonial woman on the wing. I saw her. There is something they’re not telling us!” —Annie, warning her fellow passengers of the old-timey, butter-churning menace she spots on the wing of the plane in Bridesmaids.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Kristen Schaal

    “If I were that chicken bone, I wouldn’t want to come out either.”—Kristen’s best pick-up line for that rare opportunity when you’ve just performed the Heimlich maneuver on somebody that you would like to date. From her book, The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Tina Fey

    “The difference between male comedy writers and female comedy writers is that the male ones are taller and weigh more. They also fake-rape each other more. Female comedy writers pretty much never fake-rape each other. The women comedy writers do not urinate in cups around the office.” —Tina elaborating on the nuanced differences between the sexes in Esquire magazine.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Chelsea Handler

    “Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.” —From her book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Sarah Silverman

    “When God gives you AIDS—and God does give you AIDS, by the way—make lemonAIDS.”—From her movie Jesus Is Magic.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Amy Poehler

    “You know what’s always sexy? Fingerless gloves.” —Leslie Knope demystifies the feminine mystique.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Ellen Degeneres

    “I’m getting good at yoga. My downward dog is so good, I can’t show it on daytime television.”

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Ellie Kemper

    “Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don’t ever get to see your pictures. If it’s an important event that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera.”—As Erin on The Office.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Aubrey Plaza

    “I’m Janet Snakehole. I’m a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?” –As April Ludgate on Parks and Recreation.

    Photo source: PR Photos

  • Jane Lynch

    “I will haunt your dreams.” —As the uncomfortably forward branch manager Paula in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

    Photo source: PR Photos

  • Mindy Kaling

    “I swallowed a tape worm last night. It’s going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all of my food so that I don’t get fat.”—As the always-on-a-diet Kelly Kapoor on The Office.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Anna Faris

    “God I want to lick your skin off.” —As the brain-dead, sexually enthusiastic pop star, Samantha James, in Just Friends.

    Photo source: PR Photos

  • Amy Sedaris

    “I’m not adopted and I’m not an Indian; it’s just coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.”—As the forty-six-year-old ex-junkie prostitute, now-high-school student, Jerri Blank, in Strangers with Candy.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Melissa McCarthy

    “I fell off a cruise ship … I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul. Into my Goddamn soul, Annie. And said, ‘I’m saving you Megan.’ Not with this mouth, but he said it, I’m assuming telepathically.”—Megan relives the most important moment of her life in Bridesmaids.

    Photo source: PR Photos

  • Leslie Mann

    “Let’s get some fuckin’ French toast!”—Delivering the perfect “I’m just about to puke in your face” line as Nicky, Steve Carrell’s drunk-driving, shellfish-loving date in The 40-Year-Old Virgin.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Elizabeth Banks

    “I love this restaurant. It’s one of the few places in New York with a veal tank.” —As Avery Jessup in 30 Rock.

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Maya Rudolph

    “I just took a shit in the middle of the street.” —As Lillian in Bridesmaids.

    Photo source: PR Photos

  • Christina Applegate

    “Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.”—Anchorman’s Veronica Corningstone goes for the guttural in responding to Ron Burgundy’s threat to punch her in the “baby maker.”

    _Photo source: Wikimedia Commons

  • Carrie Brownstein

    “Every time you point, I see a penis.”—Toni, the feminist bookstore owner on Portlandia, explaining to a customer why she should put her finger away.

    Photo source: PR Photos

  • Jane Krakowski

    “I did not hit that Asian page. I was just swinging my arm and she walked into me, twice.”— Jenna Mulroney defending her honor on 30 Rock.

    Photo source: PR Photos

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