1. Where are you from?
I am from Marblehead, Massachusetts, a delightful little fishing village near Boston.
2. What is your occupation?
I am an uncommonly gifted stand-up comedian.
3. What is the best thing about working in New York?
The best thing about working in NY is that whenever you’ve clocked out from your rewarding job (a field where you’re totally an amazing luminary), you can choose from thousands of restaurants that serve cuisine from all over this crazy planet … including Italy!
4. If you could, what would you change about the city?
I would make it legal to shoot cab drivers who honk their horns unnecessarily, i.e. ever.
5. What was the strangest thing that happened to you while commuting or traveling?
Once, on the subway, a handsome man got on and stood near me. I was holding a pole (safety first!) and the handsome man gripped the same pole. He then moved his hand down onto mine … like a lover would do! I was surprised and moved my hand down away from his. Then, he moved his hand onto mine again! This happened a few more times and I began to giggle … suggesting that I enjoyed his game … which honestly, I did a little bit.
6. Have you ever had a train crush or a train, plane, bus, love, episode?
Yes! Once, I was on a bus in Paris and we were rounding the Arc de Triomphe. The bus stopped short to avoid a motorcycle. Everyone flew forward and I landed literally on top of a very beautiful woman. I, however, did not speak French well enough to capitalize on this spontaneous horizontal event and we just sort of stared at each other until I got off the bus to buy some berets and baguettes.
7. If you could commit a crime and not get caught, what would it be?
I would throw Tyra Banks into a big bucket of mayonnaise. She is bad for America with all her stupid talk and pooh-pooh shows.
8. Is your mom a good cook or fabfriggintastic?
My mom’s cooking is wonderful … if you enjoy bread, dough, butter, sugar, or bread.
9. Black, brown, red, or blonde?
Locks of all colors of the rainbow are welcome in my bedchamber.
10. Are you a leg, breast/chest or ass man/woman?
I am your classic breast man, as embarrassing as it is to type that. I like boobies, regardless of their dimensions. I hope the next ten questions are about breasts.
11. Men—boxers, briefs, boxer briefs, or commando? Women—bikini, thong, hipster, booty/boy shorts, granny panties, or commando?
I wear boxers because my thighs are extremely muscular and thick. I ran the NY marathon with Lance Armstrong in 2006. I finished a mere eighty-eight minutes after he did.
12. Chocolate or vanilla?
Flavor? Chocolate. Women? a scoop of each, please.
13. Favorite dessert?
Depends on what country I’m in. In Spain, a simple nectarine will do. If I’m in Dubai, I’ll probably splurge and have a banana split.
14. Do you take vitamin supplements?
Oh yeah. I’m a large hairy athlete with an appetite for adrenaline … so I have to feed the machine what it needs
15. If you could have a dinner date with anyone dead or alive who would it be?
My wife or Stevie Wonder. It’s a toss-up.
16. Favorite music video?
“Rio” by Duran Duran. Bikinis, big boats, intrigue. It’s a very sassy video.
17. Favorite music instrument to play or would like to play?
Piano. While it’s in the percussion family, the melodies I can coax from even a musty old upright in a saloon are positively magical.
18. Biggest pet peeve?
Gum snappers. Kill ‘em all. I could punch a child in the face without regret for snapping gum.
19. Biggest turn on?
Being handcuffed to a radiator, poked at with sticks by women in traditional pioneer garb.
20. What is the last question you would like me to ask you? Or you can ask me one question?
My question to you is: Where is the best place in the world to take a nap and may I have directions?
I would have to say Lumahai Beach, Kauai. Sprawled on the warm sand, the world could be quivering and you would still have the most peaceful and luxurious sleep. Directions are forthcoming.
And now … an accidental bonus question:
21. What is the purpose of this interview?
Is this a twenty-first question? The purpose of this interview is to get me warmed up for a day of writing and to assist Lisa in her endeavors. It is a two bird stone.
Thank you!—Rob Delaney
No no Rob, Thank you!
If you haven’t already, please check out the funny and gifted talent known as Rob Delaney.
Warning: Possible side effects of Rob’s shows are uncontrollable laughter and fun-filled times. If you suffer from rare somatic, and/or gastrointestinal disorders, you may want to consult with your physician before seeing one of Rob’s shows.