Ever since I turned, ugh, well, let’s just say I’m a mature woman, I have had to deal with sudden irrational feelings and the out of body experience of feeling my body turn into a puddle of sweat.
This passage in a woman’s life is apparently, mandatory. But by God if I could bypass it I would.
It’s not fun for anyone within a twenty-foot radius of Ms. Sweaty.
I chuckle when I recall a hilarious episode of All in the Family or, as I always refer to it, the Archie Bunker Show. Edith is going through the “change” and Archie is shell shocked by her sudden aggressive behavior and emotional outbursts. Edith is passive one moment, insane the next. He finally has enough and screams at Edith, “Change, just change, now!” Oh if only.
Watching yourself age is a little like having a hellacious hangover. You know you had fun but you can’t remember it all.
But I digress.
It’s just that I now notice that there are more and more female fans at sporting events. It’s wonderful; I’m delirious with joy. I always knew this would happen. But there is a drawback to this growth in the female fan demographic. Some of these women are giving real female fans a bad name.
First on my list of female fans I loathe:
The hotties seen walking around sporting events as if they were trolling for Johns on Main Street. You know the ones. They show up at a football game, (it’s 40 degrees and the wind is blowing like all hell here in San Francisco) in a mini skirt, tank top, and high heels. Please, bitch. Don’t you know this is a football game, not an after-hours club?
Then there’s the one who went to JC Penney’s when she found out her date was taking her to a football game and bought a whole Niners outfit. Earrings, jersey, jacket, cap, scarf, gloves, socks, sports bra, and sweatshirt. Hello! Do you think you will ever wear these again? Did you just blow about $300 on an outfit for a one-night stand?
Then there’s the Barbie Doll football fan. She dresses simply and conservatively. A Benneton V-neck team sweater with an oxford shirt underneath. She wears a visor not a cap. She has Travel Smith khaki pants and she sports $200 moccasins with no socks. She couldn’t scream “Bull shit” if her life depended on it, but she does know how to do the wave.
The last one is the worst one.
She is young, drunk, sloppy, and obnoxious. She thinks that if she gets wasted and yells and screams before, during, and after the game, the guys will think she knows what the hell is going on. No, they think you’re stupid, drunk, and easy. They want you to shut the fuck up so they can watch the game.
Allrighty then. On with the show.
I stunk up the joint last week with my picks. A miserable six right. I’m ashamed to call myself a football fan, I think my Ouija Board could do better.
But here I go yet again. No pressure.
Week Six Picks (Picks are underlined)
NEW ORLEANS<br />
<u>TAMPA BAY</u><br />
NEW ENGLAND SAN DIEGO
Photo courtesy of Femme Fan