What I Know for Sure: My Legs Could Get a Lot Hairier

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Oprah thinks she’s the only one who knows stuff for sure, and she brags about it in every magazine she sends me.

While I may not have a magazine with my name on the cover (if you don’t count the ones on my coffee table that have my name on the address label), I do know plenty of stuff for sure.

Exhibit A:

I know that a gaggle of birds can’t make my Ford fall out of the sky. Reason number 869 humans should not ride in airplanes. (Yes, I said “gaggle of birds.”)


I know that “gaggle” sounds like a word one would use in rough sex, as in, “Wow, Bob, I very much enjoy it when you gaggle me.”

I know that Ann Coulter’s mother should have had her ears clipped at the vet when she was born. Every time I see them sticking out of her Marcia Brady hairdo, I am overcome with the desire to staple them to her head.

I know that the first day of the rest of my life was yesterday, so today the pressure is off.

I know that The Real Housewives of Atlanta, New York, and Orange County are clear examples of all that is vile in this world, but I would need an A&E Intervention to stop watching them.

I know that the conspicuous absence of a giant, big-screen TV in my house is precisely the reason I have a sore throat, my dogs are ill behaved, and my 401(k) is worth about $50 more than my Franklin Mint George W. Bush commemorative-plate collection.

I know that just because my Wii Fit told me I am “unbalanced” doesn’t mean I need to check myself into the Amy Winehouse Hospital for the Big-Haired and Mentally Twisted. (Even if I do have a frequent-flyer punch card that entitles me to one free stay after just two more punches.)

I know that although I compliment them every day, my boobs have no self-esteem. That’s why they’re always looking down.

I know that if my husband continues to spurn my Rogaine advances, I am going to start using it on my legs.

I know a “spurn” is what French people use to eat their Oatie’O’s every morning, because I’m a Southern bilingual. We are convinced if we add a fake accent to any word and simply say it slowly enough and loudly enough, all the peoples of the world can understand us.

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