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Wheel of Delusion

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I generally show self-restraint when confronted with tabloid magazines. Yet, there I was trapped in the fifteen items or less “express” line. Someone was paying with a check … and on top of that, this someone’s pen kept running out of ink. Doing my best not to run through every four letter word known to man, I became distracted with one jutting title, “Vanna White to Be Kicked off Wheel.” I have been waiting for this moment since I was fifteen.

It was as if I had just verified the last digit of my lottery ticket hitting the Mega Million Jackpot. Hope began welling in the pit of my S-t-o-m-a-c-h-e. Random thoughts began to cross my irrational mind. “How can I revise my resume in order to showcase my ability to spell, wear evening gowns and walk from point A to point B without falling?” “Is this job opening posted on craigslist?” “Should I wear a Ball gown to the interview?”

Once the check-out line began to move, I took a deep breath (and apparently oxygen is a great combat for delusion). My thoughts became a bit more lucid. So—a) I am basing my facts on Tabloid Headlines; and b) I am assuming that I would even have a chance in hell to get the sweetest job ever.

Seriously, this has to be the best job. Paid to travel, chic designer name ”work uniforms”, no extensive physical labor, and best of all … getting Pat Sajak  as a coworker.

Long ago,I gave up ever having a chance at Vanna’s job.   For years I watched Wheel of Fortune with my grandmother. We yelled at the morons who could not figure out the simplest of puzzles (I le-t my   -e-a-r-t   in -a   franci-co); and cheered on the geniuses who solved a puzzle with one to two letters showing. While I did become a better speller, with every episode it became more apparent that Vanna was not going anywhere soon. She never aged and she never fell down. Damnit. There was no denying it. Vanna was here to stay (and stay upright).

 None the less … I am still revising my resume and i have narrowed my “professional interview attire” down to two perfect evening gowns. Because, you just never know. One day sweet Vanna just might be involved with a infamous “spell-check scandal”. The next tabloid report might read, “Vanna White spell check dependent. Top host will soon learn to spell, “U-N-E-M-P-L-O-Y-M-E-N-T.” 

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