You know the girl you see every day when you’re getting coffee? The one who’s wearing some annoying combination of the latest fashion obsessions like leggings, bohemian scarf, graphic t-shirt, prescription-free glasses, and a knitted beret? And the guy on the single speed bike, cruising through a stoplight dressed in skintight jeans, a cardigan, a skinny tie and fluorescent shoes? Do they annoy you as much as they annoy me?
Good, then we can commiserate for the rest of this article together. I wish we could collectively hit restart on our fashion trends, but alas, we’ve all adopted at least one of two trends that we initially hated. We’re victims of fashion circumstance. So, let’s identify the trends we despise the most and lay them to rest. And then, start on the road to fashion independence.
This category is wide open and has many offenders. However, these are the worst of the worst.
Cold Weather Gear When It’s Over 70º
Photo source: lanuiop (cc)
I’m talking to you, Malibu twenty-something in your short shorts with your wooly boots and a t-shirt with a down vest, scarf, stocking cap, and sunglasses. This is not only ridiculous, but a complete waste of a sunny day. Seize the sunshine and warm weather and wear a sundress in the middle of winter. We should all be so lucky.
Baggy, Butt Crack-Revealing Jeans
Photo source: Steve Weaver (cc)
Ranking a very, very close second to the cold weather gear offenders are the men who wear jeans hanging halfway down their backsides. This trend boggles my mind. The mechanics of how the jeans, which are under the behind, actually stay up is something that could potentially keep me up nights. Just the sight of a man wearing this sends me into tirades. Thanks to whoever had the creativity to start this trend, but its time has passed.
Photo source: SassyPanda! (cc)
In contrast to the baggy, below-the-butt jeans, there are the skintight, painted-on jeans that men have been wearing for the past several years that seem to have catapulted to new heights of popularity now that being a hipster is practically a profession. First of all, how did men get this waifish? And, secondly, how do they even get those jeans on? You’d never catch George Clooney wearing a pair of these. And you know why? He’s a man, and he has a muscular body, and even if he didn’t, he certainly wouldn’t be flaunting his body’s uncanny resemblance to Kate Moss’s. Take it from me; no woman wants to date a guy who could fit into Kate Moss’s jeans.
Ugg (or More Accurately, Ugh) Boots
Photo source: Annie Mole (cc)
There couldn’t be a more perfect name for a shoe. But even with that perfect name, I still think they need to go back to Australia, where, incidentally, they’re house slippers, not a fashion statement or status symbol. But here’s my conundrum—I have a pair and they’re so freaking comfortable. I have a love/hate relationship with them. Every time I wear them, without fail, I see five Ugg-bots wearing the boots with identical leggings and sweatshirts. In fact, they’re so comfortable that I have to tell myself not to wear them every day. So, maybe they just shouldn’t be worn in public. Perhaps we should all do as the Australians do and just wear them as house shoes.
The Peep-Toe Boot-Shoe
This shoe suffers from an identity complex. Is it a peep-toe heel? Is it a boot? Is it a high-heeled shoe? When these first emerged on the runways a few seasons ago, I thought it was so unique. Then I realized that, in fact, it was just a shoe mash-up. A designer took three old ideas, put them in a blender and out came the peep-toe shoe boot. Not genius.
Men’s Ankle Boots
On this same note, I also vote ankle boots for men off the island. Have you seen the band Kings of Leon lately? They’re single-handedly making this unfashionable statement work. And—it’s catching on. It’s quite confusing; it appears to be a boot since there’s a heel, but then, it isn’t tall like a boot. It stops at the ankle. Nevertheless, the rebellious, urban, mid-twenties, hipster set is eating it up. From dive bars in the Midwest to the red carpet at music award shows, you can see these booties propping up skin-tight-jean clad gentlemen everywhere. Let’s hope dudes fall off these shoes fast and get back into a nice pair of leather shoes. At this point, I’d even be happy to see a pair of Vans or Converse.
Accessories can make or break an outfit. In the cases of the trends I’m about to mention, they’ve broken the outfit.
Gigantic Saucer-Like Sunglasses
Photo source: le (cc)
I’d like to give a huge going away party for huge sunglasses. Women have been wearing mirrored saucers and passing them off as sunglasses for five years. That’s plenty long enough. When my local drugstore started selling them, it was a sure sign that the trend needed to go bye-bye.
Photo source: peregrine blue (cc)
Next, let’s have a massive burning of bohemian scarves—for men and women. At first, scarves were an awesome way to make an outfit mean something. Anyone could spice up a plain-colored tee and some jeans with a boho scarf. Now, every man, woman, child, and dog is wearing them. Just last week I saw a golden retriever with a paisley bohemian scarf I would have liked for myself. I realize this scarf is like a flag of urban fashion, but it’s time for the flag to be folded and retired. The trend is dead.
Photo source: tj scenes (cc)
Let Indiana Jones and mafia crime bosses be the only people who wear these. I realize Justin Timberlake started donning the fedora several years ago. Then Britney, Lindsay, J. Lo, Posh, and on and on followed suit. So, it makes the hat seem necessary, but it isn’t. Plus, it will create awful hat hair. It makes me miss baseball caps.
Now that we’ve identified some of the worst fashion crimes, perhaps we’ll be able to move beyond them. Most likely, though, we’ll eventually be caught up in another unattractive trend that we convince ourselves to like just because the stars are wearing it—here’s hoping we don’t.