I blame the Wonderbra. When we first pushed our boobs up and in, we pushed out any “que sera sera” acceptance of ourselves. It was as though we suddenly realized that whatever will be will not be good enough. The beauty bar was raised along with our boobs, so that before long—and with the assistance of a billion dollar industry that feeds off our insecurities—we were secretly strapping, shrinking, and smoothing to fake flawless.
I’m sure some guys worry that our boobs will come off with our bras come bedtime. Ha! If only they knew …
1. We Don’t Bow to Gravity
Photo courtesy of BlissWorld.com
We have lucky knickers, sexy knickers, and downright magic knickers—like this pair by Lytess. These fancy panties not only instantly push up our slacker buns and firm the tummy and thighs, but they also have caffeine to help mobilize fat and moisturizing mango butter embedded into the fabric. As it rubs against our skin throughout the day, the ingredients are released for effortless (yes effortless!) toning and softening.
2. We Don’t Go Grey … Down There
Photo courtesy of bettybeauty.com
When hair color and eyebrow tinting became an art, there was only one way to shatter the illusion of the natural blonde (unless our unnaturally blonde friend was also unnaturally hair-free … down there). Now women either dare to go bare or dare to grow hair, knowing that—thanks to Betty Beauty—they can quickly tint it to support their illusion. Some women choose to distract with color choices like Bridal Betty blue and Fun Betty pink.
3. We Don’t Pass Gas
Photo courtesy of GarmentGuard.com
We used to avoid beans for fear of flatulence. We clenched our cheeks in the elevator, straining ourselves to maintain our flawless fart-free facades. Now, rather than fear the flatulence, we filter it, with a “Subtle Butt” fart-filter. You simply adhere a 3.25 × 3.25-inch patch of soft fabric that is impregnated with activated carbon to the inside of your underwear. Subtle Butt filters the fart and absorbs and neutralizes the odor. (We just need to cough to disguise the noise!)
4. We Don’t Sweat It
Photo courtesy of HollywoodFashionTape.com
We work hard at being perfect, but not so hard that you can see us break a sweat. Duh! Perspiration ruins our makeup, our fancy fabrics, and our reputations too. The fact that you don’t see us sweat doesn’t always mean we’ve paralyzed our sweat glands. Sometimes it means we’ve stuck a moisture-wicking disposable garment shield to the underarms of our outfits.
5. We Don’t Stand for Lines
Photo courtesy of ShibueCouture.com
Fabrics keep getting thinner as does our patience with visible panty lines. For a while, the g-string was the ultimate in seamless style until a string escaped a pair of painfully clenched cheeks and appeared on someone’s radar. Now there’s a new “ultimate seamless” in town—the strapless g-string. That’s right, now we can tape a strip of cloth to our hoohoos to free our fretting selves from the nuisance of visible panty lines.
Photo courtesy of Laurensilva.com
We could say that we are going braless because we want to feel and look natural, but the truth is that the last thing we want is to look natural. We want to look unnaturally perfect with boobs ahoy, nipples airbrushed out, and straps invisible. We don’t want to have to watch a twenty-minute DVD on how to use that convertible bra we bought to wear with special occasion outfits, so we opt for nipple covers that hide natural reactions while hoisting up the ladies. These “bring it up, smooth and lift, reusable nipple covers” offer bringing, smoothing, lifting, and reusing and all without a twenty minute how-to.
Photo courtesy of Spanx.com
Spanx first reshaped our thighs and bottoms with their Power Panty and now they have the rest of us covered with ultra-sheer, high-waisted, body-slimming pantyhose that extend from invisible reinforced toe up to the bra line. It whittles our middles so we don’t have to bother with exercise, smoothes away all our wobbly bits, and doubles as a scuba suit. It even includes a cotton double gusset that opens for when Mother Nature calls. Rumor has it the next design will include a vent for oxygen.
6. We Go for Gold
Photo courtesy of TanningOnline.com
We are too busy perfecting ourselves and too worried about aging to actually tan naturally so of course we fake it. We know that a golden glow helps us pretend to be skinnier, healthier, and younger, so it is no surprise that tanning salons are popping up on every street corner and that sales of sunless tanners are through the roof. We can’t be seen to tan in a salon (‘cos then you’ll know it’s fake) and we can’t risk orange knees and hands from the creams, so we don’t. We tan at home under the twenty-four UVB lamps of our home tanning bed.
7. We Don’t Worry, About a Thing
Photo courtesy of Safetoxbeauty.com
Before high definition TV, we were carefree. We used to and laugh and squint, frown and fret with little a care for the barely noticeable lines appearing around our eyes and on our foreheads. Now that we—and you—can see everything up-close X6, we follow every stressful day at the office with a safetox session. This visor may bring to mind Scottie—“I cannae get rid of the wrinkles Cap’n, I jes cannae do it”—and rightly so, considering it uses Trekkie technology to electro-inhibit and relax the “bad” anterior facial muscles that cause wrinkles. Yes, every little thing gonna be alright.
8. We Don’t Heel
Photo courtesy of FootPetals.com
The Working Girl look (white sneakers with a suit) didn’t last long so we’re back to faking “these shoes are so comfortable, really!” And they are … once we jam them with enough gel cushions, heel pads, and moleskin patches to keep us upright.
While we can’t be seen in practical shoes or hobbling on cobbles in our impractical shoes, we can be seen “stable” in perfectly pointy—and stabworthy—overpriced shoes. To maintain the pointy façade on the street, we slip on a Smart Heel shoe protector (it’s like a coat of armor for stilettos) as soon as we slip out of sight.
Photo courtesy of healiohealth.com
Then we retreat to our bat caves, where we separate and stretch our squished toes into toe stretchers to strengthen toe muscles and relieve stress, bunions, and hammertoes.
It’s not easy to be this beautiful …